As a professional musician and composer, this time of year tends to nag on my nerves a little more than it would for your average person. Not only am I forced to listen to abysmal songs or absolutely dreadful arrangements of traditional holiday tunes, but I also have the privilege of playing all of them at various office parties and functions for mouldy peanuts to a bunch of ungrateful suits who are too busy committing a drunken sexual assault on their coworkers to pay attention to my work or, you know, common decency and law.
In the spirit of the holidays, I want to offer my take on what I consider to be the worst Christmas music ever created. I am sure that you all will have your own opinions on this, but that’s okay.
It’s perfectly okay to be wrong.
While most list-based articles will focus on the overplayed or overly obnoxious songs that used to be piped into the malls when there were still malls, I have taken the time to search for hidden little turds of holiday spirit that have mostly gone unnoticed, and for good reason.
What I have uncovered is a massive, steaming pit of demonic cow manure, and you and I are all going to have to take a dip in it. I figured that I’d start off slow and easy, going into this feet first so the absolute evil that resides within won’t overcome us and steal our souls away in a Krampus sack. Now, to be fair, I have included some famous recordings that personally hit me as significantly terrible, but have intentionally kept them low on the list for that reason.
So, stoke your fire, marshmallow your cocoa, and be prepared for the twelve worst Christmas songs ever made! But first, a word from our sponsors.