TEHRAN- In a move that surprised only Americans, Iran joined the rest of the planet in calling for a regime change in the United States, citing the nation and its uncontrolled military usage as the premiere threat to global security and international peace.
"The United States have created an artificial crisis in our nation and abroad," says Iranian leader Hassan Rouhani. "We've kept our end of the nuclear deal, it's President Trump who has violated it."
Leaders all over the globe have cited the United States' history of falsifying evidence to justify foreign wars, including the sinking of the USS Maine in 1898 and a mystery vial that led to the invasion of Iraq in 2003.
"Americans are quick to criticize imperialism, but run an empire of their own." says Canadian PM Justin Trudeau. "It's quite obvious to everyone else on Earth that their government has been attempting to occupy much of the Middle East for the past fifty years. It needs to stop."
Shinzō Abe of Japan added: "Just look at what happened here when we invaded a continent for oil and war materials. I didn't end well."
When asked for his opinion on an American invasion of Iran, President Vladimir Putin simply winked and gave a light smirk.
AMERICA- In a disgusting and treacherous turn, Mars Inc. has released holiday themed M&M's ahead of the Fourth of July that come in blue, white and red in honor of France and Bastille Day rather than the PATRIOTIC red, white and blue varieties found just last year.
"Lady Liberty is crying," says all-AMERICAN flag-waver Richard Griffin while wiping away tears of his own with an AR-15. "The bottom feeding libtard SJWs have really won on this."
The shocking change to the once beloved candy comes after a series of losses for AMERICAN PATRIOTS, already reeling from the disastrous War on Christmas in which 8 trillion AMERICA LOVING citizens were lost.
Red, white and blue blooded AMERICANS all over AMERICA have begun protesting by burning and shooting bags of M&M's after receiving encouragement from both Kid Rock and Toby Kieth, the latter of whom stated that REAL AMERICANS needed to "put a fat one up France's ass" for this vicious act of treason.
When asked for comment, Mars Inc. CEO Grant F. Reid merely stated "Seriously?"
WINNIPEG- Local mother Kimberly Hamm was simultaneously shocked and delighted upon learning that her son Francis had at last learned the fine art of commitment after finding himself permanently infused with his girlfriend of three weeks, Janet.
"It was after our Friday dinner and movie date," Janet-Maurine Gagnon said from beneath Francis. "We decided that it was time to take our relationship further, and things just sort of happened."
What happened, according to emergency medical staff at Victoria General Hospital, was a case of mistaken identity.
"I had just dimmed the lights and gotten down to my briefs," Francis Hamm said while struggling to balance atop his companion. "Janet was ready to go and I was a little nervous, and in the darkness I accidentally grabbed a bottle of Clear Gorilla Glue instead of the Liquid Silk."
The couple says that it was after only a few thrusts that they found themselves entangled, and called 911 for assistance. After arriving at Victoria General, doctors concluded that the only way to separate the duo was through an emergency penectomy, to which Francis declined.
"I figured it'll take some getting used to, but I guess I can live with it." said a reluctant Janet, who had just notified her family of her newfound partnership.
"I'm ecstatic!" says Mrs. Hamm. "With a little redecorating, there will be plenty of room in my basement for them to live until we figure everything out."
At the time of publication, hospital staff and Home Depot employees were working together to build a dolly that would allow for better mobility as the lovers prepare for release.
US President Donald Trump was safely escorted to a secured, judgment free zone after suffering from a severe bout of reality exposure upon seeing the warship named after his late critic, John McCain.
The Navy Chief of Information has confirmed that the name of the ship was not obstructed per the president's request, severely triggering Mr. Trump at the sight of the vessel which will undoubtedly see more military action than he ever has.
While Mr. Trump has denied that any such request was made to obscure the USS John S McCain's name during his visit to Japan, his visibly shaken behaviour upon discussing the ship was noted by several members of the media.
At the time of publication, Mr. Trump was reportedly watching a ten-hour-long ASMR video on YouTube while playing with a fidget spinner.
SWIFT CURRENT, SK- Citing the conclusions of both HBO’s Game of Thrones and CBS’ The Big Bang Theory, fans of Dexter are in jubilation as their favourite serial killer is no longer synonymous with the worst series finale of all time.
“It’s great knowing that Dex was finally able to redeem himself without a ninth season,” said Jacob Longfellow while wiping away what was presumably imitation blood. “I mean, it’s still not that great but at least it wasn’t the punch in the balls that Thrones was.”
While last night’s Game of Thrones finale was good news for Dexter and all fans of vicious murderers who are allowed to escape any sense of justice, How I Met Your Mother was less lucky and was not moved at all by the completion of Big Bang.
At the time of publication, Chuck Lorre has confirmed that he is personally sending a letter simply stating “Bazinga” to each of Mother’s producers on a plate of solid gold.