WASHINGTON- Facing acquittal for high crimes and failing to keep his oath of office, US President Trump has announced that he is now the Senate before congratulating his Republican colleagues for doing his bidding, and merging their eternal souls with his own body and transforming into a massive Presidential Akira currently laying waste to any blue states it encounters.
“It’s quite amusing how a nation that boldly proclaims itself to be the ‘home of the brave’ is so easily intimidated by a tortoise,” said Twitter comedian JollyManBoobs69, likely in reference to Senator Mitch McConnell’s bi-species appearances and upbringing.
When news reached Mobster Heaven that there would be no witnesses at his impeachment trial, a roar of approval and applause echoed throughout the clouds broken up only by celebratory tommy gun fire.
“It brings me hope that the greatest nation on Earth can finally start to think like us regular guys,” said the ghost of James “Whitey” Bulger, wiping away a tear and blood stains from his eyes as he discarded a wet and reddish sack containing an unknown lumpy mass.
At press time, President Trump has announced that he will celebrate the good news from the Capitol by ordering the US Space Force to begin the extermination of the Jedi Knights, ushering in the newly organized Imperial States of America.
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WASHINGTON- Following his statement that he will be an impartial juror during the impeachment trial of US President Donald Trump, Republican senate leader Mitch McConnell has been reclassified as a colonic polyp by the Centres for Disease Control. The decision comes after top medical professionals from around the world have deemed the location of Mr. McConnell’s head, resting firmly within the President’s large intestine with no signs of easy dislodgement, lies more within the realm of a malignant colon cancer than that of a human being.
“This was not an easy diagnosis, as it is not every day that a leading politician is demoted from ‘person’ to ‘cancerous polyp,’ but these are interesting times,” said Doctor Anas El Masry of the CDC. “If such trends continue, as we have recently seen here in the United States and abroad in such dystopian hells as Russia and China, we may have a new pandemic on our hands.”
As the impeachment trial looms over the Capitol, questions remain as to how Mr. McConnell will be able to attend the hearings after becoming malignantly fused with President Trump like a political Human Centipede. Given the size of the senator/polyp’s head, it has been suggested that radiation treatment be used to shrink the offending growth in order to remove the Kentucky cancer from the President’s posterior.
When asked for comment, the senator let loose a mumbling tirade from deep within Mr. Trump’s nether region. Despite the poor sound, our reporters were able to make out a few key words such as “Pelosi,” “acquittal,” and, cryptically, “warhhmmmfff,” which may or may not have been a declaration of war on Iran.
THE HEREAFTER- Following the shocking premiere where the United States perpetrated an act of war against longtime Russian ally Iran, God has announced that the current season of Earth will also be its last.
“You reach a point in the writing and production when you realize that you just can’t do anything more,” said the Almighty LORD in a Facebook post announcing the end of the 4.543 billion year long series. “And while it may come as a surprise to our fans, I think that when you see the finale we’ve created, it will be something that truly pleases everyone.”
Earth is the Universe’s third longest series after Komorpulon VI and The Simpsons.