CHARLESTON, SC- Coming hot off of three victories, Bernie Sanders has unveiled a new hammer and sickle logo ahead of the South Carolina primary in hopes of swaying working class voters who may be unsure of his commitment to the proletariat and who may support rival Joe Biden, former Vice President of the United States.
“This new logo brings together the peasants and working-class labourers using the iconic sickles of the farmers and the hammers of the factory workers,” said Mr. Sanders from the campaign trail. “We will have Medicare for all, free college for every student and a stateless, classless society! When I said there’d be a revolution, I meant a revolution!”
“It’s our turn now!” shouted Bernie Bro/Gen Z Social Media Influencer, Seth Andrews. “I want free shit, like everything free. I want the world handed to me so I never have to work and can spend my days chugging beer and playing Fortnite! Bernie!”
The clash between extreme left and right ideologies in America appears eerily similar to the hyperpolarization that occurred in Weimar Germany a century ago, and has not gone unnoticed by historians.
“For those calling President Trump a fascist or the next Adolf Hitler, I have to disagree,” said Dr. Leonard Thurston of Columbia University. “While the current president shares a lot of philosophies with historical fascists and modern dictators, the fact is that Mr. Trump is much more similar to Weimar President Hindenburg. America’s lack of a true left-wing party just makes it seem as though he’s an all-out fascist to the untrained eye. It’s whoever comes after Trump that we have to be worried about.”
As the centennial of Europe’s collapse into fascism or communism passes and looms, depending on which nation is being studied, this writer can only wonder which path the US is headed down.
PHILADELPHIA- Roger Jacobson was seen staring wide-eyed into the distance during this morning’s rehearsal of Elgar’s Op. 36: “Enigma” Variations with the Philadelphia Orchestra as the thirty year classical music veteran suddenly realized that he was nothing more than a small part in a glorified cover band.
“My God, how is this any different from being in Paranoid War Pigs, the local Black Sabbath tribute band!?” Mr. Jacobson was heard exclaiming from inside the bathroom as he splashed water onto his face. “I’ve spent my entire life painstakingly recreating someone else’s work when I could have been nurturing my own creativity! Oh my God!”
Jacobson joined the Philadelphia Orchestra in 1989 after graduating from The Julliard School but had always yearned to become a famous composer of film music after hearing the soundtrack to Star Wars as a teenager. Now in his early fifties, that dream has long since perished beneath stacks of scores and parts written by far more successful creators who got to live their aspirations.
“How am I supposed to go on stage this weekend now? The only thing separating me from all the lame-os at open mic night is my tux. What have I done?” Jacobson continued as the rest of the winds section urged him to get his act together for the remainder of rehearsal lest he be replaced by a more talented child prodigy.
AMHERST, MA- Satan, the dark lord of temptation and evil incarnate, was at last arrested by a tactical team of archangels led by Gabriel after a nearly 14 billion year-long manhunt. The fallen angel, formerly known as Lucifer, was found disguised as a janitor and working on the University of Massachusetts Amherst campus where he had been in hiding since the collapse of the Soviet Union.
“We really thought we had him some 250 million years ago,” said Gabriel in a press statement. “The Dark Lord’s initiation of a mass extinction that nearly wiped all life off the face of the Earth at the end of the Permian Period was just too big for him to not be caught. Unfortunately, Satan slipped away in a region of Pangaea that is today Tora Bora, Afghanistan before we could apprehend him.”
With nearly 79 septillion charges ranging from petty temptation to planetwide genocides in the Andromeda Galaxy, Satan faces at least nine consecutive eternities in Heaven’s most heavily guarded supermax prison simply referred to as “Caligula’s Remorse” by the divine realm’s cherubic residents if convicted.
As all Heavenly trials are heard directly before the LORD God Himself without jury, Satan has requested that he be defended in court by a human named Alan Dershowitz who has a long history of getting corrupted rulers and murderers off the hook. The LORD has allowed this measure, ensuring the Cosmos that He will not be so easily swayed as man to Mr. Dershowitz’s tricks.
At press time, Satan was seen laughing maniacally from within his cell and stating how everything is going according to his plan.
I would like to take a moment and apologize to Dear Leader Donald Trump, President of the United States, for satirizing him and poking fun at his expense. As a man of Canadian heritage, this was rude and uncalled for on my behalf. No President should ever face the horrors of being held accountable for their criminal actions in the unfair witch hunts that are impeachment. The ability for Congress to impeach a Dear Wonderful President of any kind, barring those of the Democratic Party, should be removed from the Constitution.
To say that your shit does not stink is a vile, cruel and inhumane message. To even consider that you are capable of such a wretched act as dropping mud dragons is a malicious attack against your divine being. I know that even if you were able to producing waste that it would come out as tightly sealed plastic bags of potpourri adorned with a ribbon and a red carnation.
Your health is the greatest of any President and I wish I could be as strong and virile as you, but I am unable to lose enough of my disgusting, fatty, man booby body of a whopping 79 kilograms to reach a sleek, trim and pure 108 kg. You are an Adonis and I am envious of every part of your manly form.
There is no redemption for a bottom-feeding, human scumbag like me. I will now commit seppuku to once again be at peace, and to regain my honour.