UPTON, WY- Citing his strong work ethic and sense of invulnerability at the hands of what he deems to be nothing but a head cold, Wyoming rancher Doug Pearson boldly proclaimed that he would be more than happy to go outside and help boost the American economy after listening to ten hours of AM talk radio encouraging this behaviour.
“I have nearly 43,000 acres of land and a shotgun. If some city slicker virus thinks I’m gonna stay inside and cry to mama, well it’s got another thing comin'!” Mr. Pearson shouted from his front porch before firing a few rounds of buckshot into the air to intimidate any nearby strains of coronavirus.
“My great-great-grandfather didn’t steal this land from Native Americans just so I could get myself worked up over some hippie liberal virus conspiracy,” Mr. Pearson continued. “I’ll go outside if I damn well feel like it!”
Following this statement, Doug Pearson drove into town, drank at the Cowboy Bar, visited the Red Onion Museum and later died after contracting COVID-19.
WASHINGTON- After fighting for years to block Mexicans and Central Americans, Africans, people from predominantly Muslim nations, and anyone to do with North Korea from entering the United States, the Trump Administration has at last reached critical mass and has banned the entry of white people, placing a ban on all Europeans from entering the country citing fears of the coronavirus. An exception was made for the United Kingdom for as of yet unknown reasons, but it may have something to do with PM Boris Johnson looking quite similar to President Trump. Mr. Trump’s address was given from the White House where the President appeared to be quite frail, disoriented, and overall ill. After coming into contact with numerous individuals who either have been confirmed to have coronavirus or who have been near those who are confirmed to be carrying it, it is the opinion of this writer that the President of the United States is very clearly infected with the virus himself.
AREA 51- In a shocking statement made this morning, President Trump has revealed that yes, there was a coronavirus vaccine all along, yes there is a secret military base at Groom Lake, Nevada that has been hushed for decades despite general knowledge of its existence, and yes the government is using chemtrails, but it’s to help you!
As the frightening but mild virus spreads globally, President Trump has promised to protect the United States through a massive chemtrail vaccination program called Operation Anniversary Jacket, and has assured the public that the name was not in fact chosen via a random word generator.
Following his initial statement, the President tweeted:
“This will be the greatest vaccination campaign since we went to war with Spain for the flu shot. That was a nasty one, we lost millions of men for the vaccine but the Democrats will never tell you the truth about the Spanish American War to keep their Hoax Witch Hunt against.....
….Your President going. Not many people know it, but the war for the flu vaccine against the Spanish could have gone on for many years if it were not for the atomic bombs. We will always do whats [sic] right for our peple [sic] #MAGA”
At press time, hundreds of Airbus A380s have been loaded with coronavirus vaccine and will begin “chemtrailing” the nation within hours. Officials recommend that everyone go outside and breathe deep as the vaporous vaccine is dumped overhead.
NEW YORK- In the aftermath of Super Tuesday, and without a single major victory in any primary or caucus, former New York City mayor Mike Bloomberg has announced that he is suspending his presidential campaign and exiting the race. Despite appearing to come after the numbers continue to show no hope of Bloomberg receiving the Democratic nomination, this decision was actually made so that the former mayor could enjoy more privacy to stop and frisk himself without the pressure of appearing before crowds and funnelling hundreds of millions of dollars into a campaign that everyone knew would be fruitless from the very beginning. After making the announcement, Bloomberg was seen heading into his bedroom with a towel and bottle of lotion presumably to pursue his interest in random full body searches.
LOS ANGELES- Citing concerns that releasing any decent remakes and reboots this year could expose tens of thousands of moviegoers to the coronavirus, Hollywood executives have announced that there will be no new films or major superhero blockbusters this coming summer.
“Let’s face it, the theatre isn’t the cleanest or nicest place to be,” said Tom Rothman of Sony Pictures. “A tiny room gets filled up with disease infested people and you all know damn well nobody’s cleaning that place up until after the last screenings of the week. Sure, some kid will pick up the leftover soda cups and help himself to some of the floor popcorn, but that’s about it. Theatres are a Petri dish, and we all know it.”
To combat the loss of new material and to keep their dying industry afloat, major cinema chains have announced that they will be screening classic films in the absence of any new Marvel and Star Wars pictures.
“During the Depression, theatres would have all sorts of events to get people to spend what little money they had on a talkie,” said Regal Cinema assistant manager and teenager whose voice just changed, Milton Dubois. “They’d have free dinnerware, ladies’ nights, automobile raffles, and all sorts of gimmicks. Anyone who thinks it’s easier to just wait two months for a movie to come out on Blu-ray or Netflix is crazy. It’s all good here!”
Regal has announced that its summer lineup of timeless films will include titles such as The Andromeda Strain, Outbreak, I Am Legend and, of course, the early 21st century classic Smallpox 2002: Silent Weapon.