JASPER, FL- A massive mound of reeking flesh that has gone unwashed for over thirty years named Cecil Belknap recently posted his image to Facebook with an emotional caption reading: "This 900 lb man covered in cow manure hasn't bathed in three decades. Like this post to let him know he's beautiful!" The image shows Mr. Belknap dressed in nothing but overalls and covered in filth as he smiles through two and a half teeth.
The post went viral on the social network over the span of three days and has become a sensation not only on Facebook but also on Twitter and Instagram, garnering tens of thousands of likes and shares. Body shaming activists have called the image a breakthrough in generating a conversation about what makes each person uniquely beautiful, no matter their size or how many grams of shit they are plastered in.
"Cecil has demonstrated his bravery and is changing the way we see each other and ourselves," said Demi Lovato while taking a break from recording her new album to enjoy some unspecified opioids. "He is a true hero helping to make the world a safe space for all."
At the time of publication, Mr. Belknap was revelling in his newfound online fame by making several public appearances to discuss body shaming and promising that for his next image-based campaign he was going to eat a rotten snapping turtle that he found on the highway while launching fireworks out of his bottom, encouraging people to write "Amen" beneath it.
WASHINGTON- In a move that shows the polarization developing within the United States, several Democratic voters as well as representatives such as Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez have called on their supporters to slice off their right hands in a show of solidarity with the Left.
"This is justice: this is the cost of fighting Trump!" said Dolfin Staar, a high profile hippie nudist from San Francisco, while raising a bleeding stump into the air where his right hand was once located. "I... think I need to lie down now."
The Democratic National Convention has deployed hundreds of large paper cutters to town halls and post offices around the country where liberals may show their support for the party and all two dozen candidates running for president in 2020. Supporters have been encouraged to bring their own corks to bite into during the patriotic amputations.
BLUEWATER, ON- "It just doesn't make any sense," says Ontario native Ralph Conner while looking through his Facebook news feed and making note of how many users in the former Confederacy are showcasing their conspicuous love for the United States in virtually every post they've written or shared. "It would be like if I moved to Russia, burned the flag and shouted that I love Canada. It just doesn't work that way!"
Mr. Conner is not alone in his confusion. Throughout the world, people are left speechless as they watch die hard patriots kissing the US flag and dry humping the ground during fireworks displays throughout the American South, a region that just over 150 years ago committed treason by seceding and then waging war against the very country it now claims to love.
"Some of these people are telling their friends to 'love it or leave it' while sharing memes about overthrowing the government. What the fuck is wrong with you!?" Mr. Conner shouted at his laptop, flabbergasted at the uniquely American double standard.
In other nations, the ugliness of history is preserved so that it may never happen again. One would be mad to find contemporary statues and memorials to Hitler and Goering in Germany, and yet Robert E. Lee and Thomas Jonathan "Stonewall" Jackson are treated as heroes in the US for waging war against the US and losing.
"This is stupid, you're all stupid, you got what you deserved in 2016." finished Mr. Conner. "I'm going to go get some Timbits."
LOS ANGELES- In commemoration of the storming of the Bastille in 1789 and the beginning of the French Revolution, Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) agents have stormed the homes of several people across the United States in order to haul them off to fortress political prison camps where they can be safely stripped of their human rights.
The raids, referred to as "liquidation" by ICE agents, come after US President Donald Trump ordered an increase in crackdowns on all non-white immigrants in what has been referred to by decent human beings, political scientists, historians and Holocaust survivors as a "crime against humanity."
"I watched Schindler's List in high school." says ICE agent Conner Mackenzie. "I always thought, 'wow, those Germans really love their country, I wish I could be like that' and here I am today!" The agent was unable to answer any questions as he was busy putting a three-year-old Guatemalan boy into a choke hold while angrily shouting "MAGA" into his face as he cried for his parents.
"America is truly becoming great again," says 94-year-old retired doctor Klaus Schneider from behind shifting eyes that were swiftly covered by a pair of sunglasses. "I know nothing else."
Mr. Schneider legally entered the United States in 1946, but his entire life prior to that point remains unknown. When asked if he was concerned about the immigrant raids, he simply replied: "I'm a good American Boy, I told you I know nothing."
THE SOL SYSTEM- The Glorious Lord Rigborius Zeether, Supreme Leader of the Pruma Empire, made his return to Earth today to begin his time-honoured human hunt and safari. The festivities began in the early hours of 9 July over Australia with a flyover of six thousand Pruma starfighters to announce the arrival of the Grand Imperial Convoy carrying the interstellar ruler and his court.
"The human population has seriously grown since my last visit two years ago," says Lord Zeether (note that two years in the Pruma Calendar is about 1986.3 Earth years). "This should give us some record numbers!" Reporters were immediately blasted in the heads and cooked over uranium fires before being consumed, as is tradition.
The last Human Hunt, occurring around 32 CE, resulted in the death of John the Baptist and the arrival of Christianity by Pruma Missionaries. It has also been rumoured that Lord Zeether fathered Chinese general Ban Chao at this time, the first of the shape-shifting human-reptilian hybrids.
At time of publication, most of eastern Australia has been destroyed by the hunting party with several kangaroos captured as curious pets for the royal visitors. As an offering of peace between humanity and the Pruma Empire, US President Donald Trump has offered his son Eric as tribute to Lord Zeether.