JASPER, FL- A massive mound of reeking flesh that has gone unwashed for over thirty years named Cecil Belknap recently posted his image to Facebook with an emotional caption reading: "This 900 lb man covered in cow manure hasn't bathed in three decades. Like this post to let him know he's beautiful!" The image shows Mr. Belknap dressed in nothing but overalls and covered in filth as he smiles through two and a half teeth.
The post went viral on the social network over the span of three days and has become a sensation not only on Facebook but also on Twitter and Instagram, garnering tens of thousands of likes and shares. Body shaming activists have called the image a breakthrough in generating a conversation about what makes each person uniquely beautiful, no matter their size or how many grams of shit they are plastered in.
"Cecil has demonstrated his bravery and is changing the way we see each other and ourselves," said Demi Lovato while taking a break from recording her new album to enjoy some unspecified opioids. "He is a true hero helping to make the world a safe space for all."
At the time of publication, Mr. Belknap was revelling in his newfound online fame by making several public appearances to discuss body shaming and promising that for his next image-based campaign he was going to eat a rotten snapping turtle that he found on the highway while launching fireworks out of his bottom, encouraging people to write "Amen" beneath it.
WASHINGTON- In a move that shows the polarization developing within the United States, several Democratic voters as well as representatives such as Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez have called on their supporters to slice off their right hands in a show of solidarity with the Left.
"This is justice: this is the cost of fighting Trump!" said Dolfin Staar, a high profile hippie nudist from San Francisco, while raising a bleeding stump into the air where his right hand was once located. "I... think I need to lie down now."
The Democratic National Convention has deployed hundreds of large paper cutters to town halls and post offices around the country where liberals may show their support for the party and all two dozen candidates running for president in 2020. Supporters have been encouraged to bring their own corks to bite into during the patriotic amputations.
BLUEWATER, ON- "It just doesn't make any sense," says Ontario native Ralph Conner while looking through his Facebook news feed and making note of how many users in the former Confederacy are showcasing their conspicuous love for the United States in virtually every post they've written or shared. "It would be like if I moved to Russia, burned the flag and shouted that I love Canada. It just doesn't work that way!"
Mr. Conner is not alone in his confusion. Throughout the world, people are left speechless as they watch die hard patriots kissing the US flag and dry humping the ground during fireworks displays throughout the American South, a region that just over 150 years ago committed treason by seceding and then waging war against the very country it now claims to love.
"Some of these people are telling their friends to 'love it or leave it' while sharing memes about overthrowing the government. What the fuck is wrong with you!?" Mr. Conner shouted at his laptop, flabbergasted at the uniquely American double standard.
In other nations, the ugliness of history is preserved so that it may never happen again. One would be mad to find contemporary statues and memorials to Hitler and Goering in Germany, and yet Robert E. Lee and Thomas Jonathan "Stonewall" Jackson are treated as heroes in the US for waging war against the US and losing.
"This is stupid, you're all stupid, you got what you deserved in 2016." finished Mr. Conner. "I'm going to go get some Timbits."
I had written last week about this topic but decided to remove the post after a few days went by and things settled down. I want to rewrite a post regarding this matter as it has now become apparent to me that something horribly wrong was happening during that time, and my decision to pull the post was premature and was naively lacking in awareness to the reality of my situation.
Someone, I'm not sure who at this point in time (I'm guessing Diesel), created a fake profile using my name on both Grindr and Craigslist Canada. They used the headshot that I have on the homepage of this website and uploaded it to the aforementioned apps/sites where they claimed I was a male escort who was "down for anything" and revealed my private phone number on the listings.
I ended up receiving over 200 phone calls and text messages this past week propositioning me for all manner of explicit things with strangers. It took me days to get the fake profiles removed and the comments deleted from my phone and website.
Today, I have been bombarded with threatening messages from a user identifying herself/himself as "Lemon Girl" or "TickleMeSilly," claiming that they have been impersonating myself and family members on social media and that they have been creating all sorts of rumours amongst my friends to the point where some have outright stated their hatred towards myself and my family, or simply blocked us from contacting them without explanation.
I do not know what has been said or done by this individual/group using my name or likeness, but I am now fearful that I have lost everyone that I have ever cared for or loved because of it.
Messages from the so called "Lemon Girl" have also made claims that she/he has put my headshot on adult websites in order to impersonate me, defame my name and/or to destroy my relationships by "givng [sic] sumthing [sic] for [homophobic slur] to [explicit action] to." They have also made the nefarious claim that they either have or are willing to go so far as to impersonate my relatives on adult websites, up to and including my late sister Hannah.
I want to make it very clear that I have never used any such app, explicit website, Craigslist posting or any other such thing. As I've desperately tried to remedy this situation I have found social media and email accounts using usernames such as "Lemon Girl" and "TickleMeSilly" going as far back as 2012 or late 2011, the same time that the stalking and harassment against my family began.
I have been attempting to contact all administrators regarding the behaviour of these users and the threat they are posing to me so that proper action can be taken before I call the local or federal police.
I do not use social media of any kind. I deleted my profiles ages ago because of this situation.
Profiles that have a connection to the following usernames have been confirmed to be impersonating myself or my family and should be reported to administrators on any website or social media platform that they are used on, or to the police:
Mike R. A.
Mike R. A. Smael
Christofer Smale Moon
Christobell Smale Moon
Mike "Rack of the Year" Smale
Note the incorrect spelling of my last name in many of the accounts trying to hijack my URL or GMail address. Also beware that the imposters generally use burner email addresses that end in ...@mail.com or ...@email.com. They do not use GMail or any service that requires cell phone verification so that they can send off harassing, threatening or disgusting messages and delete the accounts before the authorities can be notified.
Do not respond to any email ending with an address like ...@mail.com or ...@email.com!
Messages from such addresses are highly dangerous and likely connected to servers in Eastern Europe, Russia or China and lack any security. These are the same sorts of emails that hackers used to create numerous fake accounts on Facebook and Twitter in order to influence the 2016 US Election!
If you believe that someone impersonating me has contacted you at any point, message me via the contact page so I can further try and correct this issue. Any information regarding the imposters is welcome to help track them down.
I have been notified that the origin of these more recent attacks came from a white supremacist/neo-Nazi website or websites where Diesel and friends of hers had shared my family's private information. This has, sadly, become a norm for people in the United States since 2015/16 and has been spreading around Europe, Canada, Australia and New Zealand since.
As I shared in my story about my abusive high school relationship with Diesel, her family was extremely racist and anti-Semitic and upon learning of my family's Jewish heritage, our relationship ended with a whole lot of ugliness from her white supremacist father. After the summer of 2011, the harassment and stalking began after Diesel found my now deleted Facebook page and this sharing of private contact information on neo-Nazi websites was part of it.
Her entire goal was to destroy my life, to isolate me from my family and my closest friends and to make me paranoid that even my best friends hated me via impersonation accounts. Her involvement with these Nazi websites makes her actions a hate crime as well as felony stalking and assault.
I have informed both the RCMP and the FBI about this matter.
LOS ANGELES- In commemoration of the storming of the Bastille in 1789 and the beginning of the French Revolution, Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) agents have stormed the homes of several people across the United States in order to haul them off to fortress political prison camps where they can be safely stripped of their human rights.
The raids, referred to as "liquidation" by ICE agents, come after US President Donald Trump ordered an increase in crackdowns on all non-white immigrants in what has been referred to by decent human beings, political scientists, historians and Holocaust survivors as a "crime against humanity."
"I watched Schindler's List in high school." says ICE agent Conner Mackenzie. "I always thought, 'wow, those Germans really love their country, I wish I could be like that' and here I am today!" The agent was unable to answer any questions as he was busy putting a three-year-old Guatemalan boy into a choke hold while angrily shouting "MAGA" into his face as he cried for his parents.
"America is truly becoming great again," says 94-year-old retired doctor Klaus Schneider from behind shifting eyes that were swiftly covered by a pair of sunglasses. "I know nothing else."
Mr. Schneider legally entered the United States in 1946, but his entire life prior to that point remains unknown. When asked if he was concerned about the immigrant raids, he simply replied: "I'm a good American Boy, I told you I know nothing."