ZANESVILLE, OH- The school year may have just begun, but little five-year-old Thomas Whitney is already questioning the establishment and demanding realistic answers from the newfound adults in his life.
"I have to sit here for six hours a day or longer, and follow strict rules that serve nobody but those with the authority," said Thomas from beneath his dinosaur themed cap. "All this so I know my place in the adult world and never question the status quo. This is complete bullshit, why aren't we revolting?"
Dubbed "Little Lennon" by Mrs. Wallace, Thomas' new teacher, the boy has already made quite a name for himself as he talks about expanding free speech and more juice for the proletariat from atop the playground slide.
"His ideas are unbelievably well-crafted for such a youngster," says Mrs. Wallace. "I can certainly get behind a lot of what he's saying, although I think the children have missed the point, especially the one that only eats paste and bottle caps."
When asked if the boy wanted to be a politician when he grew up, Thomas responded that he already wanted to be a train conducting spaceman.
BOSTON- Going back to school is stressful for children, parents and teachers alike, but one school in Boston is changing that by mandating that all children walk into the building with nothing but bright, yet unenthusiastic, smiles or face a penalty of 90 days in detention.
Principal Herman Köhler issued all teachers and staff rubber batons and let loose his prized German Shepherds to greet the students in the new year. Students who were caught crying or displaying a lack of respect towards the school and its faculty were swiftly bludgeoned to shouts of "Lächle, verdammt" before being escorted to their proper teachers.
"I have made it my mission to keep zhe children disciplined but happy, and happy but not in such a vay zhat it promotes independent thought." said Principal Köhler dressed to the nines in his sleek brown uniform with matching hat and skull insignia. "I vill produce only zhe best and strongest for society, zhe rest vill be dealt vith in ozer vays."
As soon as the first bell rang, the large fence surrounding the school was immediately shut, locked and electrified as several armed guards took positions around the perimeter. Principal Köhler told us that this was a new effort to prevent school shootings and other acts of violence. Well done, sir!
BERLIN, MA- Local man Curt Casasanto awoke after sunbathing to discover that new neighbours had swiftly taken up residence in and around his left ear in the form of a giant bald-faced hornet nest. The hive, just over the size of a softball, was elegantly formed to a nearly perfect sphere that emerged from deep within Mr. Casasanto's ear canal and over the side of his face.
"AAH, JESUS CHRIST, HELP!" was all we could obtain from Mr. Casasanto but the wasp queen was much more talkative and polite.
"This new, mobile location will provide my colony with shelter, food and water for years to come." said Her Grace Ætrovox, Lady of the Bald-faced Hornets. "Had it not been for that punk kid knocking down my last hive with a pellet gun a few days ago, this blessing may not have come. I now regret having sentenced him to death by a million stings."
At the time of publication, Mr. Casasanto had calmed down enough to stop spraying his face with pesticide and was considering a life on the road as part of a carnival attraction.
EL PASO, TX- Desperate to round up and imprison as many migrant children as possible as the new school year begins, ICE has deployed the use of traditional "stranger danger" methods by converting all of their vehicles into undercover ice cream trucks and offering either free candy or puppies to any children that the agency suspects of being part of an immigrant family.
The mission, code named Operation Fogle Epstein, has required that nearly half of all current ICE agents undergo new training and body imaging in order to secure a classic pedophile look and behaviour.
"The thin, creepy moustache is pretty itchy," says ICE agent Conner Mackenzie, "but the bowl cut really brings that charming look together. I think the kids will trust me enough to be easily snatched."
Agents are currently being trained around the US on gaining the trust of children, including the use of body language such as disturbingly licking their upper lips, a display that ICE feels is a welcoming gesture towards elementary school kids.
"If the migrant children do not respond to our offers of free candy and puppies, there are always other means," says Thomas Homan, director of ICE. "We are working with the best acting coaches available so that our agents in the field can deliver the 'your mom is in the hospital and she asked me to bring you to her' line with the utmost believably if all else fails."
Woman Horrified to Learn that Only Reason Local Police Have Facebook Page is for Warrantless Surveillance
BRIDGEPORT, CT- Anna Flanagan had always followed the Bridgeport Police page on Facebook, eagerly waiting to see if or when her old high school bullies would make an appearance on Wanted Wednesdays or be involved in a major drug bust.
However, after noticing the numerous tips for frivolous activities posted by other followers and the readiness with which the officers would send private messages or even respond in person, Ms. Flanagan realized that the entire purpose of the page, and many more like it, was to spy on communities without the permission of judges or with the use of warrants.
"I can't believe I was so naive," said Ms. Flanagan after unfollowing the page and blocking it from contacting her. "I was unintentionally handing over my entire private life to the state to obverse everything I do without my consent."
When asked for comment regarding privacy and warrantless surveillance of private citizens, the Bridgeport Police (and all police departments) as well as the FBI responded with the identical phrase of: "We will neither confirm nor deny such activities."
At the time of publication, our news offices were being surrounded by police helicopters and armoured BearCats with the sounds of shouting, flashbangs and gunfire in the main lobby.