MIAMI- After clambering aboard the Impossible Foods trend, Burger King has recently revealed that their new Impossible Whopper is nothing more than a standard Whopper, citing the original’s lack of any real beef or meat products to begin with.
“When you think about it,” said Burger King CEO Daniel Schwartz “we were already decades ahead of the game by producing burgers made with nothing but salad scraps, opossum fur and the juice of freshly squeezed pimples from our teenage employees. If that’s not progressive, I don’t know what is!”
Customers were shocked to learn the truth behind the popular “veggie” burger hawked by a kingly mascot that feeds off of the nightmares of children, but were simultaneously relieved that the Impossible Whopper was not made of human meat as many had speculated.
“I can’t speak for the rest of the Impossible Foods, especially in an age where there is now an actual company called Soylent making drinkable meals, but at least the Whopper is still a classic.” said Jeffrey Harrouff of Milwaukee, WI. “It does make me wonder what a human burger would be like though…”
At press time, none of those interviewed seemed to be bothered by the actual Whopper ingredients.
Those rascally little scamps at Google have gone and done it again! After many years on YouTube, channels like those of forgotten celebrities, racist gamers and late night talk show hosts will finally be given the prominence they have so greatly deserved on the platform! Earlier today, YouTube announced a new system that requires all users to be at the top of their popularity game in order to receive verification. No more little check marks for measly art or music channels hovering at 300k to 500k followers; the time for great unknowns like Will Smith, PewDiePie and Stephen Colbert has come!
Verification now requires YouTubers to have a hefty number of subscribers and prominence as a brand not just on other social networks but in the real, physical world. Examples of such prominence include starring in a major Hollywood blockbuster, having been on The Daily Show for at least two years, or paying people over Fiver to chant disgusting anti-Semitic slander for the amusement of one’s 100 million subscribers.
YouTube, a platform that was built on the slogan of Broadcast Yourself is now finally giving an equal opportunity to users’ whose channels have been driven into the background, like those of Coca-Cola or Warner Brothers, providing viewers with quality videos that have laid in obscurity. Beginning in October of 2019, a new, gorgeous grey highlight will adorn real channels like Vevo, leaving those hard working animators and bands in the dust after having monopolized YouTube for far too long! Neat!
But it is not all bad news for those independent artists and creators who have virtually destroyed the platform with their “hard work,” “relatable stories,” and “originality” that earned them their former verifications. If they just put in a little more of that hard work and get in the game with the other beautiful, popular people, maybe YouTube will reconsider and decide that they do matter after all.
YouTube has already decided to mail iron pokers to all of its previous Play Button holders with instructions on how to force them into their anuses alongside a card reading: “If you don’t like it, there’s always other video platforms you can go to. Hahaha!”
So never worry; if you are a dork in high school, you will still be a dork in the real world! The hierarchy never dies! Suck it, nerds!
MATADOR, TX- After years of consumer enjoyment of pumpkin spice lattes, marshmallows, teas, SPAM, cookies, ice cream, cereals, yogourt pretzels, regular pretzels, protein powder, dog treats, cream cheese, Oreos and body spray, the magical flavour of the prized autumn squash has finally arrived in your beef!
“Now that we’ve removed GMOs and antibiotics, our cattle have more than enough room to be injected full of seasonal pumpkin spice goodness so that your steaks and briskets are full of flavour right from the get go!” said all-American cowboy Avery Wilson.
Red meat lovers won’t have to scour the internet for recipes now that their hamburgers are ready-made with everyone’s favourite fall treat! Just slap some pumpkin pie mix on top of your patty and stick it between some pumpkin buns and every post-Labour Day weekend is a barbecue weekend again! (Use pumpkin spice barbecue sauce to complete the experience.)
And because no part of the steer is left unused, this now means pumpkin spice leather jackets and belts! Take the zest of pumpkins with you to work, school, funerals or your pending second-degree murder trial! The spice is everywhere, resistance is denied and you will conform!
D’ARCY, BC- The truth has at long last arrived! Earlier today, the mangled body of a Sasquatch was discovered along Duffey Lake Rd. some 225 km north of Vancouver. The legendary beast had apparently been struck by an 18-wheeler and was pummelled into the pavement as it attempted to cross the mountain road.
Though severely flattened, experts estimate that the Bigfoot would have stood at about 2.6 meters (over 8.5 feet) but weighed around a mere 226 kilograms (about 500 pounds) before the majority of its internal organs were flung into the trees and nearby river. This reduced bulk provides insight into how the creature was able to be so nimble as to avoid human contact and camera lenses for decades, and is dramatically lighter than most Bigfoot Experts had originally predicted.
“I don’t care about any of the science mumbo-jumbo,” said preeminent Bigfoot Researcher Russell “Dodo” McCloud. “The fact that I was right, that we were right, is all I need.” Mr. McCloud could not provide further comments as he was too busy shouting, drinking and jerking-off with joy to be bothered.
The science mumbo-jumbo has so far revealed that the body is, in fact, authentic and does not appear to be a misidentified bear or a dead guy in a gorilla suit. DNA testing will conclude the exact nature of this new species that has already been given the common name of North American Wood Ape.
WASHINGTON- Amidst a carnival-like atmosphere, ICE director Thomas Homan has recently announced that the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency would be officially joining forces with NAMBLA given the two groups' intensive interest in children, especially young boys.
“NAMBLA has agreed to assist us in the detention of immigrant boys, even going so far as to volunteer their time to guard, groom and prepare the children for deportation.” said Mr. Homan before a crowd of slimy looking men, strangely smiling from beneath their thin moustaches and thick-framed glasses, rubbing their hands together in anxious anticipation.
Several members of NAMBLA were immediately given official ICE agent status and rapidly deployed to the US-Mexico border to begin assisting with the detention and care of arrested migrant children as part of President Trump’s plan to terrorize minority populations and inter them indefinitely in concentration camps.
“This is a huge, throbbing step forward for America and for our great organization,” said NAMBLA member Jimmy A. Hooper, seemingly unable to contain himself. “With our newfound legitimacy, we can remove the age of consent and make America great again in the process!”
When asked if he knew what NAMBLA stood for, or what they represented, Thomas Homan shrugged and stated that so long as they were true patriots with Trump in their hearts, he could care less and that we would find ourselves in a labour camp if we continued to ask any more questions.