McLEAN, VA- Amidst the hyper-polarization of politics in the United States, Mars Inc., the company behind the candy bar “Twix,” has issued an apology citing their seven-year-long “left and right” ad campaign as an unintentional contributor to the emergence of extremism in America.
“When we started this series of advertisements in 2012, it was a satirical gesture towards the federal election taking place that year,” said Mars Inc. CEO Grant F. Reid. “We didn’t know that it would result in the rise of pseudo-fascism right here in the United States four years later. We. Just. Didn’t. Know!”
The statement comes after years of accusations that Twix bars were acting as a subtle divider between Americans. Neo-Nazis in Charlottesville were seen carrying “Right Twix” and Antifa members in Portland, OR are often seen carrying a hoard of “Left Twix” to throw at Nazis and local police who more often than not support said Nazis.
Despite the apology, the ad campaign for Left and Right Twix is planned to continue well into the Pence Administration (scheduled to begin in 2024), and even throughout the Ivanka Administration that will begin in 2028 as Americans desperately beg for a second Trump after four years of a traditional boring old white man.
PORTLAND- History is in the making as astronauts Kristina Koch and Jessica Meir embark on the first ever all-female spacewalk to replace a failed power control unit on the International Space Station. However, this feat is not without controversy as the involuntarily celibate (incels for short) and Proud Boys rally throughout the Pacific Northwest in protest, claiming that women have now ruined outer space.
“First they ruined Ghostbusters, then they try to become president, and now they’re taking over space!” screamed self-proclaimed misogynist and all around piece of shit Jackson Peterson, a Portland native and member of the Proud Boys hate group for the past two years. “There’s no safe place for men anymore, the bitches will all ‘me too’ us into oblivion! We need to stop this bullshit so we can go back to making horrible rape jokes in the workplace and playing video games for thirty hours straight again!” Peterson screeched to a crowd of angry white men seen drooling over his words like a pack of inbred hounds.
Counter protesters have met the anti-women-in-space rally in Portland, resulting in several violent clashes as has become the new normal for the once quiet city as dozens of extreme-right hate groups have descended upon it over the past three years.
“It used to be that I could just visit the local pot shop and farmers' market without issue,” said Dan Miller. “But now I feel as though I have to bring my Antifa signs and gasmask wherever I go, these goddamn Nazis are everywhere, man.”
As the protestors and hate mongers battle in Oregon, far above the Earth the ISS is undergoing its repairs in a peace that so few members of humanity have ever been able to enjoy.
OTTAWA- Over the past several years, a new lexicon has arisen in both the United States and Britain alongside the upsurge of populist politics. Terms such as “cuck,” “clown world,” and “nogo-ungah-boo” are predominantly used by members of the extreme-right/cavemen and have consumed social media to the point where Twitter and Nazism have all but become indecipherable from one another. But one phrase in particular has gotten under the skin of every major political party in Canada, and that word is “snowflake.”
Traditionally used as an insult by the extreme-right against those deemed to be overly fragile whiny little liberals, and as an homage to a single scene in Fight Club that depicts cult-styled brainwashing, “snowflake” has recently taken on new meaning in the US as an anti-Canadian slur.
“Some Americans ganged up on my family at a Denny’s in Syracuse while we were visiting friends in the States,” said Ontario native Elizabeth Martin. “They asked if we were going to be having ‘snowflake bacon’ or the ‘real, American kind’ before pouring maple syrup over us, telling us to leave America and chanting Steam’s ‘Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye’ as we ran for our car.”
Martin and her family are not alone. Canadians are under siege while in the States, online, and even at home as Americans heading north seeking real, flavourful beer come into contact with peaceful Canucks and let loose a river of “snowflake” related insults upon these quaint and polite people.
In response, Ottawa has officially made the word “snowflake,” when used as an insult, a form of hate speech. The move was applauded by Liberals, Conservatives, Bloc Québécois, New Democrats and Greens alike. Any American found within Canada to be using the term “snowflake” will promptly be punished with a public cross-checking. Recurring offenders will have their gentiles removed by means of beavers.
BEIJING- A state of emergency has been declared after China’s president for life, Xi Jinping, was found this morning with a jar of “hunny” stuck on his head. The incident occurred at breakfast after Xi desperately attempted to retrieve the last drop of the sugary treat from the bottom of the pot and, failing to grasp it with his hands, plunged his entire face into the jar where it promptly became trapped.
“This is the greatest crisis our nation has faced,” said Shu Guozeng, one of President Xi’s advisors. “Worse than the famine of 1958 to ’62, the Taiping Rebellion and the Yellow River flood of 1938 combined. If protestors in Hong Kong get wind of this, it could spell the end of The Party and modern China!”
After spending the past few years outlawing all images of Winnie the Pooh once activists began to compare President Xi to the lovable yellow bear, the president’s latest predicament could be used as fuel for the ongoing unrest in Hong Kong and create a major international embarrassment for the country that provides the world with everything.
From within the honey jar, President Xi could be heard exclaiming “Oh bother” as his staff raced to contact a wise old owl who could provide insight into removing the stubborn pot.
CHAPELTOWN, MA- The Jakobsons awoke to the sounds of shouting and pounding on their front door in the early morning hours of 7 October as a heavily armed police presence infiltrated their farm. Before anyone could reply, the local police had smashed through the door and forced the residents to the floor at gunpoint while shouting utter gibberish that was inferred as orders by the young family of four. Johnny and Amanda Jakobson were restrained alongside their two children, and dragged out of their home into the frosty New England air where they were told to stay on the ground with their faces in the freezing mud.
All the while, police stormed their twelve acre farm, breaking into sheds, barns and storage units in a desperate search for the family’s pigs.
“Der, we received a tip dat dis family was holding some of our brothers in a homemade jail,” said Chapeltown Police Chief Jimmy Spines. “Wes immediately came to liber-date our comrades, duh, and bring dem back to da station safe and sound.”
It soon became apparent that the Chapeltown Police Department, a department with a decades' long history of recruiting only those with an IQ of 16 or lower, had mistakenly believed that the Jakobsons three beloved pet pigs were in fact police officers being held hostage on the farm.
“Unga go-nogo,” began Officer Moss before realizing he needed to use proper human speech. “I hearded dat dese guys had pigs, and Is immedi-duntly thunked ‘oh my dog, they gots policemen tied up dere! Der! Wes needed to rescue!”
As the Chapeltown Police scrabbled about the devastated property, the Jakobson family was subjected to inhuman treatment and outright torture.
“One of the men held a fully loaded handgun to the back of my head,” said Mrs. Jakobson. “He then smirked through his two teeth at my children as they cried, shouting at them to be quiet or he’d ‘put me down’ right in front of them.”
An attorney for the family has stated the entire Jakobson clan, including the children, were subjected to physical beatings while detained on their own property, and that Mr. Jakobson had been violently sodomized with a flashlight as other officers either looked on and laughed or viciously kicked his head to stop his cries for help.
The Chapeltown Police left the farm and hastily unshackled the Jakobsons when they found no evidence of hostages, but not before stealing several items from the family home and causing tens of thousands of dollars’ worth of damage to the property.
When asked for comment on the savagery at the Jakobson farm, the newly appointed Lieutenant Janson Handjob merely grunted and proceeded to sniff for truffles around his office. Other officers were attempted to be contacted for statements but told us that they were too busy patrolling the town looking for any unarmed minorities that they could shoot, plant evidence on, and make the assault look like an attack on their own persons so that they could be swiftly acquitted by a grand jury.