LOS ANGELES- Curling up with his original Teddy Ruxpin and switching on a recording of detained children crying for their parents at the border as it is now the only thing to calm what remains of his swampish soul, ICE Agent Conner Mackenzie slowly drifted off to sleep, dreaming that he would wake in a white ethnostate as a reward for his year-long commitment to perpetrating crimes against humanity in the name of the United States.
All over America, ICE Agents are heading to bed tonight and dreaming of a white supremacist Christmas courtesy of their tireless work to assault, rape, murder, and imprison as many marginalized peoples as possible in makeshift concentration camps; notably people legally seeking asylum who coincidentally also happen to not be white.
“I’m doing everything I can to make America great again,” said Mr. Mackenzie as he drifted off with visions of withheld toothpaste tubes for refugee children dancing in his head. “At the end of the day… I’m only… following orders…” he concluded as he headed to a presumably 1930s Germanic dreamland.
Meanwhile, in detention centres throughout the United States, children who only wish for freedom from the corruption and tyranny they have escaped in their home countries huddle together for warmth, sharing what little food they are provided with no guarantee that they will even receive another meal.
In other centres established inside of Mexico, children are looking to the skies for St. Nicholas on this night, hoping that he may protect them from the human traffickers who frequently raid their poorly to non-secured shelters nightly in hopes that this will not the night that they will be abducted simply because the US has denied them their internationally recognized right to enter as asylum seekers.
Safely inside the United States, high-ranking officials within the Trump Administration were discovered to be dreaming of three Christmas ghosts, showing them the horrifying parallels between their actions and those of leading Nazis such as Heinrich Himmler. These Trump officials were seen either smiling in their sleep or experiencing wet dreams as the images of despicable Nazi atrocities seemed to provide them more with inspiration than redemption.
“This is complete bullshit,” shouted the Ghost of Christmas Future who was desperately trying to show Stephen Miller his forthcoming life imprisonment sentence after spending months in an international war crimes court, and how future generations would openly compare him and his actions to those of Adolf Eichmann. “This piece of human shit actually thinks that what I’m showing him is a good thing. Fuck this guy, I need more goddamn bourbon to get through this night,” the cloaked spirit said before heading to a nearby bar.
At press time, God Himself had shown interest in initiating the Apocalypse just to stop the madness and brutality enacted by the US against nearly all of humanity from slavery to illegal wars, but notably the actions that have gone into effect since January of 2017, similarly murmuring: “Fuck it. Just fuck this Me-damned shit.”
THE SPIRIT WORLD- As the holiday season in the mortal world begins to reach its climax of avarice and corporations pretending to care for the less fortunate, the season is less than jolly deep within the realms of gods, ghosts and dragons. In a shocking move, the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future have all found themselves under an intensive investigation by the newly assembled Angelic Un-Godly Activities Committee led by former American senator, Joseph McCarthy.
“These three individuals have used their power to aid the spread of Communism,” said Senator McCarthy. “The Spirit World is invested with Communists. I have in my hand a list of 205—a list of names that were made known to God as being members of the Communist Party and who nevertheless are still working and shaping policy in the Hereafter."
The accusations against The Christmas Ghosts come after it was learned that their actions turned one Ebenezer Scrooge from a thriving businessman, doing what was right for capitalism and the bottom line, to a “Soviet-worshipping Commie” after their consecutive visits to the once enormously wealthy tycoon. In the years between the arrival of The Christmas Ghosts and his death, Mr. Scrooge donated the majority of his wealth to feed the hungry, to build schools and hospitals and, according to Senator McCarthy, “spread a socialist agenda throughout England and the greater British Empire to soften the West into welcoming a Communist Revolution.”
At press time, Lord Jesus Christ made the announcement that he would work on behalf of the defence for The Christmas Ghosts, stating that their actions were “in-line with proper love, decency, and the divine way of all religious and philosophical paths.” Senator McCarthy has since opened an investigation into Jesus for Communist activities.