CHAPELTOWN, MA- The Jakobsons awoke to the sounds of shouting and pounding on their front door in the early morning hours of 7 October as a heavily armed police presence infiltrated their farm. Before anyone could reply, the local police had smashed through the door and forced the residents to the floor at gunpoint while shouting utter gibberish that was inferred as orders by the young family of four. Johnny and Amanda Jakobson were restrained alongside their two children, and dragged out of their home into the frosty New England air where they were told to stay on the ground with their faces in the freezing mud.
All the while, police stormed their twelve acre farm, breaking into sheds, barns and storage units in a desperate search for the family’s pigs.
“Der, we received a tip dat dis family was holding some of our brothers in a homemade jail,” said Chapeltown Police Chief Jimmy Spines. “Wes immediately came to liber-date our comrades, duh, and bring dem back to da station safe and sound.”
It soon became apparent that the Chapeltown Police Department, a department with a decades' long history of recruiting only those with an IQ of 16 or lower, had mistakenly believed that the Jakobsons three beloved pet pigs were in fact police officers being held hostage on the farm.
“Unga go-nogo,” began Officer Moss before realizing he needed to use proper human speech. “I hearded dat dese guys had pigs, and Is immedi-duntly thunked ‘oh my dog, they gots policemen tied up dere! Der! Wes needed to rescue!”
As the Chapeltown Police scrabbled about the devastated property, the Jakobson family was subjected to inhuman treatment and outright torture.
“One of the men held a fully loaded handgun to the back of my head,” said Mrs. Jakobson. “He then smirked through his two teeth at my children as they cried, shouting at them to be quiet or he’d ‘put me down’ right in front of them.”
An attorney for the family has stated the entire Jakobson clan, including the children, were subjected to physical beatings while detained on their own property, and that Mr. Jakobson had been violently sodomized with a flashlight as other officers either looked on and laughed or viciously kicked his head to stop his cries for help.
The Chapeltown Police left the farm and hastily unshackled the Jakobsons when they found no evidence of hostages, but not before stealing several items from the family home and causing tens of thousands of dollars’ worth of damage to the property.
When asked for comment on the savagery at the Jakobson farm, the newly appointed Lieutenant Janson Handjob merely grunted and proceeded to sniff for truffles around his office. Other officers were attempted to be contacted for statements but told us that they were too busy patrolling the town looking for any unarmed minorities that they could shoot, plant evidence on, and make the assault look like an attack on their own persons so that they could be swiftly acquitted by a grand jury.