WASHINGTON- Following his statement that he will be an impartial juror during the impeachment trial of US President Donald Trump, Republican senate leader Mitch McConnell has been reclassified as a colonic polyp by the Centres for Disease Control. The decision comes after top medical professionals from around the world have deemed the location of Mr. McConnell’s head, resting firmly within the President’s large intestine with no signs of easy dislodgement, lies more within the realm of a malignant colon cancer than that of a human being.
“This was not an easy diagnosis, as it is not every day that a leading politician is demoted from ‘person’ to ‘cancerous polyp,’ but these are interesting times,” said Robert R. Redfield, MD, director of the CDC. “If such trends continue, as we have recently seen here in the United States and abroad in such dystopian hells as Russia and China, we may have a new pandemic on our hands.”
As the impeachment trial looms over the Capitol, questions remain as to how Mr. McConnell will be able to attend the hearings after becoming malignantly fused with President Trump like a political Human Centipede. Given the size of the senator/polyp’s head, it has been suggested that radiation treatment be used to shrink the offending growth in order to remove the Kentucky cancer from the President’s posterior.
When asked for comment, the senator let loose a mumbling tirade from deep within Mr. Trump’s nether region. Despite the poor sound, our reporters were able to make out a few key words such as “Pelosi,” “acquittal,” and, cryptically, “warhhmmmfff,” which may or may not have been a declaration of war on Iran.
THE HEREAFTER- Following the shocking premiere where the United States perpetrated an act of war against long time Russian ally Iran, God has announced that the current season of Earth will also be its last.
“You reach a point in the writing and production when you realize that you just can’t do anything more,” said the Almighty LORD in a Facebook post announcing the end of the 4.543 billion year long series. “And while it may come as a surprise to our fans, I think that when you see the finale we’ve created, it will be something that truly pleases everyone.”
Earth is the Universe’s third longest series after Komorpulon VI and The Simpsons.
I want to start 2020 off with a return to my little story time corner, especially my tales of that childhood prison known as school (I still have not shared the story of my wretched freshman English teacher who was also my first teacher bully). But before we tread back twenty years to high school and beyond, I would like to share a story about my encounter with a couple of men impersonating FBI Special Agents that occurred in 2018.
This strange event took place in Massachusetts on Monday, 20 August after I had spent the weekend in an intensive studio session with other contract musicians for a singer who wanted to make it big by releasing a cover album of Broadway songs. To go off track for one sentence, that record was never released in the end, mostly because she was never satisfied with the work of the musicians or engineers, and she neglected to secure the rights to the songs she was recording. I had gotten home just after 2:00 in the morning, and did not fall asleep until after four. You can now imagine how irritated I was to be awoken at 11:00 by pounding on the door just beneath my temporary bedroom after crashing at my folks’ house for the night.
Two strange men had come up to our house and were asking if they could enter without identifying themselves. As my then 68-year-old mother had answered the door, she had assumed that they were campaigning for the coming midterm elections in the States and told them to go away. It was then that one of the individuals swiftly flashed a badge and said he was an FBI agent. Without knowing what these strangers wanted, she went into a panic, called my father out and did the worst thing possible: they both let these outsiders onto the deck to talk with them without confirming their identity.
As I made my way into the bathroom to brush my teeth, my mum notified me that men from the FBI were there from Miami and that they were asking about two friends of hers in Nassau, Florida. My first reaction was to take out my barely usable phone and call the local police department to confirm these peoples’ authority but both of my parents refused to allow me to do so and snatched at my cell phone to prevent me from making the call. I surveyed the situation and immediately noticed several red flags.
First and foremost, these men identified themselves as “FBI agents so-and-so,” not “Special Agent,” which is the correct title. They claimed to be at our home from the Miami field office in regards to a couple whom we know in Nassau, but Nassau is under the jurisdiction of the Jacksonville FBI field office, not Miami. Their vehicle had South Carolina plates. If the Bureau wanted to talk to two residents of Massachusetts about something in Florida, the Boston branch would have sent agents instead of two men who allegedly had just driven up the entire East Coast. If real Federal Agents from Florida were required to speak to someone in Massachusetts, they would have flown and not driven 2525 kilometres which takes about 23 hours. When I asked to see their badges, only one had a badge and he refused to actually let me see it, choosing to flash it so that I could not get a good look. They claimed to be investigating an anonymous tip that was traced to our address, but that would mean the tip was not anonymous, never mind that nobody in my family had ever made contact with the FBI. They were dressed and smelled like beach bums with dirty golf shirts with stained khaki shorts and sandals with socks.
When they asked to speak with me, I decided to test my hunch that this was a scam. I spoke only in Spanish, figuring that real agents from Miami would be at least semi to professionally fluent in the language given the high population of speakers in that region. Neither of them knew a word of Spanish outside of “Hola” which was a nice bit of gravy on the con-platter so I dialed 911 to ask for a real police officer to arrive and remove these two from my parents’ property.
When the actual police arrived, these two were sweating like a pair of pigs on the killing floor and they refused to show the local authorities the one badge between them. The responding officers were just as skeptical as I was and had the two men escorted to the station for further questioning and took our statement. I do not know what became of these fake FBI agents but impersonating an authority is a serious crime that comes with a minimum of five years in prison on top of hefty fines, so I will just take a guess that they are in a correctional facility for another few years.
The local police concluded that this was a sort of identity theft scam, and that the imposters were trying to gain personal information on our friends in Florida as well as us, and that they had used either the respect or fear of authority to try to swindle people for sensitive data. Because my parents’ neighbourhood is mostly retirees or young couples with very young children, it was a prime target to prey on a vulnerable demographic. This is why the medial alert button phone scam is so prevalent that even I get those calls, and I am in my 30s.
The moral here is to always question who you are talking to. In this day and age, there are a lot of crummy people out there who are willing to take advantage of you and there is no low that they will not sink to for a quick dollar. Just check your phone after work and see how many bogus numbers called you from the same credit card scam based overseas that has been going on for over ten years now. If anyone ever approaches your property claiming to be an authority and you have the even slightest suspicion that something is wrong, call your nation’s emergency number and ask the dispatcher for confirmation. If they are legitimate, they will not mind.
LOS ANGELES- Curling up with his original Teddy Ruxpin and switching on a recording of detained children crying for their parents at the border as it is now the only thing to calm what remains of his swampish soul, ICE Agent Conner Mackenzie slowly drifted off to sleep, dreaming that he would wake in a white ethnostate as a reward for his year-long commitment to perpetrating crimes against humanity in the name of the United States.
All over America, ICE Agents are heading to bed tonight and dreaming of a white supremacist Christmas courtesy of their tireless work to assault, rape, murder, and imprison as many marginalized peoples as possible in makeshift concentration camps; notably people legally seeking asylum who coincidentally also happen to not be white.
“I’m doing everything I can to make America great again,” said Mr. Mackenzie as he drifted off with visions of withheld toothpaste tubes for refugee children dancing in his head. “At the end of the day… I’m only… following orders…” he concluded as he headed to a presumably 1930s Germanic dreamland.
Meanwhile, in detention centres throughout the United States, children who only wish for freedom from the corruption and tyranny they have escaped in their home countries huddle together for warmth, sharing what little food they are provided with no guarantee that they will even receive another meal.
In other centres established inside of Mexico, children are looking to the skies for St. Nicholas on this night, hoping that he may protect them from the human traffickers who frequently raid their poorly to non-secured shelters nightly in hopes that this will not the night that they will be abducted simply because the US has denied them their internationally recognized right to enter as asylum seekers.
Safely inside the United States, high-ranking officials within the Trump Administration were discovered to be dreaming of three Christmas ghosts, showing them the horrifying parallels between their actions and those of leading Nazis such as Heinrich Himmler. These Trump officials were seen either smiling in their sleep or experiencing wet dreams as the images of despicable Nazi atrocities seemed to provide them more with inspiration than redemption.
“This is complete bullshit,” shouted the Ghost of Christmas Future who was desperately trying to show Stephen Miller his forthcoming life imprisonment sentence after spending months in an international war crimes court, and how future generations would openly compare him and his actions to those of Adolf Eichmann. “This piece of human shit actually thinks that what I’m showing him is a good thing. Fuck this guy, I need more goddamn bourbon to get through this night,” the cloaked spirit said before heading to a nearby bar.
At press time, God Himself had shown interest in initiating the Apocalypse just to stop the madness and brutality enacted by the US against nearly all of humanity from slavery to illegal wars, but notably the actions that have gone into effect since January of 2017, similarly murmuring: “Fuck it. Just fuck this Me-damned shit.”
THE SPIRIT WORLD- As the holiday season in the mortal world begins to reach its climax of avarice and corporations pretending to care for the less fortunate, the season is less than jolly deep within the realms of gods, ghosts and dragons. In a shocking move, the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future have all found themselves under an intensive investigation by the newly assembled Angelic Un-Godly Activities Committee led by former American senator, Joseph McCarthy.
“These three individuals have used their power to aid the spread of Communism,” said Senator McCarthy. “The Spirit World is invested with Communists. I have in my hand a list of 205—a list of names that were made known to God as being members of the Communist Party and who nevertheless are still working and shaping policy in the Hereafter."
The accusations against The Christmas Ghosts come after it was learned that their actions turned one Ebenezer Scrooge from a thriving businessman, doing what was right for capitalism and the bottom line, to a “Soviet-worshipping Commie” after their consecutive visits to the once enormously wealthy tycoon. In the years between the arrival of The Christmas Ghosts and his death, Mr. Scrooge donated the majority of his wealth to feed the hungry, to build schools and hospitals and, according to Senator McCarthy, “spread a socialist agenda throughout England and the greater British Empire to soften the West into welcoming a Communist Revolution.”
At press time, Lord Jesus Christ made the announcement that he would work on behalf of the defence for The Christmas Ghosts, stating that their actions were “in-line with proper love, decency, and the divine way of all religious and philosophical paths.” Senator McCarthy has since opened an investigation into Jesus for Communist activities.