OTTAWA- Over the past several years, a new lexicon has arisen in both the United States and Britain alongside the upsurge of populist politics. Terms such as “cuck,” “clown world,” and “nogo-ungah-boo” are predominantly used by members of the extreme-right/cavemen and have consumed social media to the point where Twitter and Nazism have all but become indecipherable from one another. But one phrase in particular has gotten under the skin of every major political party in Canada, and that word is “snowflake.”
Traditionally used as an insult by the extreme-right against those deemed to be overly fragile whiny little liberals, and as an homage to a single scene in Fight Club that depicts cult-styled brainwashing, “snowflake” has recently taken on new meaning in the U.S. as an anti-Canadian slur.
“Some Americans ganged up on my family at a Denny’s in Syracuse while we were visiting friends in the States,” said Ontario native Elizabeth Martin. “They asked if we were going to be having ‘snowflake bacon’ or the ‘real, American kind’ before pouring maple syrup over us, telling us to leave America and chanting Steam’s ‘Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye’ as we ran for our car.”
Martin and her family are not alone. Canadians are under siege while in the States, online, and even at home as Americans heading north seeking real, flavourful beer come into contact with peaceful Canucks and let loose a river of “snowflake” related insults upon these quaint and polite people.
In response, Ottawa has officially made the word “snowflake,” when used as an insult, a form of hate speech. The move was applauded by Liberals, Conservatives, New Democrats and Greens alike. Any American found within Canada to be using the term “snowflake” will promptly be punished with a public cross-checking. Recurring offenders will have their gentiles removed by means of beavers.
BEIJING- A state of emergency has been declared after China’s president for life, Xi Jinping, was found this morning with a jar of “hunny” stuck on his nose. The incident occurred at breakfast after Xi desperately attempted to retrieve the last drop of the sugary treat from the bottom of the pot and, failing to grasp it with his hands, plunged his entire head into the jar where it promptly became trapped.
“This is the greatest crisis our nation has faced,” said Shu Guozeng, one of President Xi’s advisors. “Worse than the famine of 1958 to ’62, the Taiping Rebellion and the Yellow River flood of 1938 combined. If protestors in Hong Kong get wind of this, it could spell the end of The Party and modern China!”
After spending the past few years outlawing all images of Winnie the Pooh once activists began to compare President Xi to the lovable yellow bear, the president’s latest predicament could be used as fuel for the ongoing unrest in Hong Kong and create a major international embarrassment for the country that provides the world with everything.
From within the honey jar, President Xi could be heard exclaiming “Oh bother” as his staff raced to contact a wise old owl who could provide insight into removing the stubborn pot.
CHAPELTOWN, MA- The Jakobsons awoke to the sounds of shouting and pounding on their front door in the early morning hours of 7 October as a heavily armed police presence infiltrated their farm. Before anyone could reply, the local police had smashed through the door and forced the residents to the floor at gunpoint while shouting utter gibberish that was inferred as orders by the young family of four. Johnny and Amanda Jakobson were restrained alongside their two children, and dragged out of their home into the frosty New England air where they were told to stay on the ground with their faces in the freezing mud.
All the while, police stormed their twelve acre farm, breaking into sheds, barns and storage units in a desperate search for the family’s pigs.
“Der, we received a tip dat dis family was holding some of our brothers in a homemade jail,” said Chapeltown Police Chief Jimmy Spines. “Wes immediately came to liber-date our comrades, duh, and bring dem back to da station safe and sound.”
It soon became apparent that the Chapeltown Police Department, a department with a decades' long history of recruiting only those with an IQ of 16 or lower, had mistakenly believed that the Jakobsons three beloved pet pigs were in fact police officers being held hostage on the farm.
“Unga go-nogo,” began Officer Mackenzie-Moss before realizing he needed to use proper human speech. “I hearded dat dese guys had pigs, and Is immedi-duntly thunked ‘oh my dog, they gots policemen tied up dere! Der! Wes needed to rescue!”
As the Chapeltown Police scrabbled about the devastated property, the Jakobson family was subjected to inhuman treatment and outright torture.
“One of the men held a fully loaded handgun to the back of my head,” said Mrs. Jakobson. “He then smirked through his two teeth at my children as they cried, shouting at them to be quiet or he’d ‘put me down’ right in front of them.”
An attorney for the family has stated the entire Jakobson clan, including the children, were subjected to physical beatings while detained on their own property, and that Mr. Jakobson had been violently sodomized with a flashlight as other officers either looked on and laughed or viciously kicked his head to stop his cries for help.
The Chapeltown Police left the farm and hastily unshackled the Jakobsons when they found no evidence of hostages, but not before stealing several items from the family home and causing tens of thousands of dollars’ worth of damage to the property.
When asked for comment on the savagery at the Jakobson farm, the newly appointed Lieutenant Janson Handjob merely grunted and proceeded to sniff for truffles around his office. Other officers were attempted to be contacted for statements but told us that they were too busy patrolling the town looking for any unarmed minorities that they could shoot, plant evidence on, and make the assault look like an attack on their own persons so that they could be swiftly acquitted by a grand jury.
MIAMI- After clambering aboard the Impossible Foods trend, Burger King has recently revealed that their new Impossible Whopper is nothing more than a standard Whopper, citing the original’s lack of any real beef or meat products to begin with.
“When you think about it,” said Burger King CEO Daniel Schwartz “we were already decades ahead of the game by producing burgers made with nothing but salad scraps, opossum fur and the juice of freshly squeezed pimples from our teenage employees. If that’s not progressive, I don’t know what is!”
Customers were shocked to learn the truth behind the popular “veggie” burger hawked by a kingly mascot that feeds off of the nightmares of children, but were simultaneously relieved that the Impossible Whopper was not made of human meat as many had speculated.
“I can’t speak for the rest of the Impossible Foods, especially in an age where there is now an actual company called Soylent making drinkable meals, but at least the Whopper is still a classic.” said Jeffrey Harrouff of Milwaukee, WI. “It does make me wonder what a human burger would be like though…”
At press time, none of those interviewed seemed to be bothered by the actual Whopper ingredients.
Those rascally little scamps at Google have gone and done it again! After many years on YouTube, channels like those of forgotten celebrities, racist gamers and late night talk show hosts will finally be given the prominence they have so greatly deserved on the platform! Earlier today, YouTube announced a new system that requires all users to be at the top of their popularity game in order to receive verification. No more little check marks for measly art or music channels hovering at 300k to 500k followers; the time for great unknowns like Will Smith, PewDiePie and Stephen Colbert has come!
Verification now requires YouTubers to have a hefty number of subscribers and prominence as a brand not just on other social networks but in the real, physical world. Examples of such prominence include starring in a major Hollywood blockbuster, having been on The Daily Show for at least two years, or paying people over Fiver to chant disgusting anti-Semitic slander for the amusement of one’s 100 million subscribers.
YouTube, a platform that was built on the slogan of Broadcast Yourself is now finally giving an equal opportunity to users’ whose channels have been driven into the background, like those of Coca-Cola or Warner Brothers, providing viewers with quality videos that have laid in obscurity. Beginning in October of 2019, a new, gorgeous grey highlight will adorn real channels like Vevo, leaving those hard working animators and bands in the dust after having monopolized YouTube for far too long! Neat!
But it is not all bad news for those independent artists and creators who have virtually destroyed the platform with their “hard work,” “relatable stories,” and “originality” that earned them their former verifications. If they just put in a little more of that hard work and get in the game with the other beautiful, popular people, maybe YouTube will reconsider and decide that they do matter after all.
YouTube has already decided to mail iron pokers to all of its previous Play Button holders with instructions on how to force them into their anuses alongside a card reading: “If you don’t like it, there’s always other video platforms you can go to. Hahaha!”
So never worry; if you are a dork in high school, you will still be a dork in the real world! The hierarchy never dies! Suck it, nerds!