With America's government shutdown, the glorious and handsome President Vladimir Putin vows to help his newly acquired peoples receive their tax refunds in a prompt and efficient manner. If each productive member of Новая Америка gives 50% of their annual rubles to the Russian Federation, they will get big break of tax and refund next year, in addition to two beets. Have papers ready at your nearby H&Я Bloc and be prepared with social security numbers to get faster filing and a bonus beet.
I wasn’t dared, it wasn’t for money, and I certainly wasn’t on television. At least I hope I wasn’t. No, this was a case of mistaken identity. I saw the yellow and red package on my kitchen counter after coming inside from mowing the lawn. Remembering I had a few handfuls of Raisinets that morning, I thought I’d grab a few more while I cooled off from the heat of a mid-July day. I never noticed anything amiss as I reached into the plastic bag, my hands too tired, sweaty and covered in dust to care. I threw a few morsels into my mouth and only realized what had happened after I started to chew.
Instead of nice, squishy raisins dipped in chocolate, I was tasting a little bit of salmon and unfamiliar preservatives. Regardless, I still swallowed. Then I turned the pouch around and saw the Friskies logo. Without realizing it, I had accidently eaten a handful of cat treats.
I can’t be blamed, can I? The Raisinets and Friskies packages both look alike at a glance, and I didn’t realize I had put the candy away earlier and that the cat treats had taken their place on the counter. Maybe I was dehydrated, and was in some sort of a fugue state when I happily consumed the fish flavoured kitty snacks instead of chocolate? It happens. I’m not ashamed to admit it.
While others may have recoiled after realizing their mistake, I found the Friskies to have a bold, somewhat salty flavour that reminded me of the sort of grocery store seafood you’d find at an inland city like Saskatoon. You’re craving seafood but all that’s available is a frozen slab of haddock that has been on a cross country journey, but at the end of the day when dinnertime comes, it’s still haddock and that’s what matters.
Texture wise, the cat treats reminded me of a warm Starburst candy that one could find in a hot car in that they clung to my teeth and palate in a gooey mess, and required an excessive amount of chewing to fully break down. Even then, I still found bits of them in my molars, between my teeth and around the roof of my mouth which gave them a prolonged taste that took about an hour to dissipate alongside the last of the leftover granules.
In the end, I give the Friskies cat treats a solid 7/10, a rating fit for human consumption, and I would gladly eat them again.
As a descendant of Vikings, I enjoy spending a lot of my time on the high seas. While many people fear the beasts of the deep, like kraken, Nessie and dolphins, I embrace them as equals with a special Pagan bond through the guidance of Odin. By this I mean I catch and eat them all, filling my great belly with their nutrients. But not whales. No, I spare them. When the fossil fuels run out, something has to make the oil after all.
But of all the watery demons in the world, I unconditionally love sharks. Next to the horseshoe crab, an animal that has roamed the Earth since the late Ordovician some 450 million years ago, they are the pinnacle of evolution. Just one giant mouth and a stomach, and a lot of cartilage holding that together. They rule. This is why I have watched Shark Week on the Discovery Channel for nearly my entire life (I’m only a year older than the marathon itself), and that is precisely what I’m doing right now. As with many weeklong events such as this, there are many shows that do not make the cut. Here are some of the shows that did not make it to this year’s Shark Week:
We’ve all seen sharks move but have rarely questioned how. For example, do the oceans move around them to their will, or do they somehow move themselves in the watery depths? In this two-hour special, scientists dive into discovery to join a group of great whites and reveal this aquatic secret. After the dissection of three sharks and the death of one human photographer, it is discovered that sharks move by swimming.
Tiger vs. Tiger Shark
A beast of the land and a beast of the sea, the hunting methods of the tiger and the tiger shark are compared. With an emphasis on the minor differences between life on land and that in the water the two predators are followed, studied and gently teased by a team of wildlife experts. The program concludes with a climactic battle between the two animals as a 600lb tiger is dumped into a tank with a hungry tiger shark as scientists watch to find out which animal is superior in the ultimate television showdown.
In 1999, a fisherman discovered something strange within the stomach of a great white. It was the head of a velociraptor, complete with fresh tissue samples. Where did this shark find a live dinosaur? Scientists track great white sharks in hopes that they will be lead to the mysterious Dino Island. Included; the government cover-up to keep the partly digested head a secret, and shocking new footage from inside Area 51 where it is generally assumed that the original shark was taken.
The Magic Healing of Sharks
Using ESP, magic crystals and astral projection, one psychic from Sedona, AZ embarks on a quest to discover the lost art of sacred shark healing. Hear the account of an amputee who was able to regrow his leg after encountering sharks that could sense his pain! Be amazed as a bull shark assists a Florida woman giving birth to triplets in the middle of the Atlantic! Relive the account of a lost 19th century whaler who was safely guided to land by a thresher shark!
Join Destination America’s Stinky Pete and Lockjaw Jim as they take you through a step-by-step introduction to dynamite fishing for sharks. The bayou is gonna burble when these two all-American patriots get down and dirty to tackle some bull sharks in freshwater! Included; the lost scene where Stinky Pete and Lockjaw Jim engage local wildlife authorities in a gunfight over a fishing licence.
Sharks of the Bible
How did Noah save the sharks? Was Jonah swallowed by a whale or by a shark? Do sharks find paradise if they refuse to accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and Saviour? The answers to these and more will be revealed alongside end time prophesies made by great whites, teaching The Word to sharks, and the fact of Creation 6000 years ago. Reverend Jones takes us on a worldwide journey from The Beginning to The Rapture with a shark’s eye view.
Discover the tactics used by today’s CEOs to get ahead of the competition, to line your wallet with tax cuts promised to the working class, laundering money, and denying healthcare to the parasitic plebeians beneath you!
The Tiger Chef with Guy Fieri
Tiger sharks are notorious connoisseurs. They have been known to eat everything from fish to alarm clocks to clowns and show no sign of relaxing their palate. In this hour long special, Food Network’s Guy Fieri creates a multicourse meal for his harshest critic yet; a two ton tiger shark! Will Guy’s hard work be appreciated, or will he be fed to the beast in order to appease it? Tune in and find out!
Those were some of the shows that didn’t make it to this year’s Shark Week. With any luck, we can see them next year! Keep your fins crossed!
Unlike most people, I always start my annual Halloween celebrations early. Usually, this is something I reserve for my old "alter-ego" site with Krowness, but in the past few years, posting on that site hasn't really had the same spark that it used to have for me. Sure, going there from time to time and seeing articles littered with curse words purely for the sake of it alongside other rants is funny, but I also realize how much I've grown over the past several years and that the need to hide my real personality behind a "clown" in order to deflect hurtful comments from trolls and generalized internet ne'er do wells, as well as fears of coming off as "unprofessional" just because I'd like to inject some humor into my writings, feels outdated.
As a result, I'm going to start using my own website to post critiques when I'm feeling the need to review something (a music video, software, an event, etc.) as well as for the occasional satire or comedy infused piece. Most of these are going to move away from the sailor mouthed rantings of my Viking alter-ego, so it'll have a more professional and family friendly flair, but anything that just requires that sort of language will come with a NSFW warning so that younger people (and my own younger students) know to keep on scrolling and ignore it. This is something I've already started with the creative writings I've shared, as many of those touch on more mature subjects or use profanity as a means of expression or tone setting. So from here on out, if I drop a nasty word that would get Ralphie a mouthful of soap, it's only going to be for a good reason and you'll know in advance if the blog post contains such materials!
Anyways, moving into the spirit of the season, I just can't resist sharing one of my favorite costumes from way back when. When I was a kid, I always wanted to be the best dressed when going out for candy, or when I was older and running "the haunt" at home where my dad and I would try to make the scariest display and features (we'd always beat the competition as he had been working for Spooky World). Out of all the costumes I ever had, the two favorites of mine were Duke Nukem (complete with body armour made of foam and an unloaded BB gun) and Torgo.
You don't know who Torgo is? Well, then I have to introduce you to the worst movie ever made! Manos: The Hands of Fate was a mostly obscure flick from the 1960s made on a bet. It involves a family on vacation who gets lost on their way to the Valley Lodge when they stumble upon The Master's polygamous cult (complete with an evil dog) and a satyr named Torgo taking care of his house. This movie became infamous after Mystery Science Theater 3000 featured it, and it has since gained a cult following amongst MST3K/Rifftrax fans and connoisseurs of B-movies alike. I just had to do a theme off of this after I saw the MST3K version when I was in high school, and I did the best I could!
Since I went to a private school, I wasn't allowed to have a beard (and mine wasn't that thick or course anyway, even at 15), so I used a burned piece of cork to create that part. The walking stick was a branch that fell off a tree across the street from my house, the hat was an Indiana Jones fedora my dad had, and the coat was just my winter jacket. It looked the part. Since I was older, this was a costume to be used in the haunt. My dad was The Master, but reimagined as a skeletal nightmare maker instead of "guy with a moustache" like the movie.
My favorite part was getting Torgo's irregular accents of words down, and I was amazed by how many people were scared of me! I was a pseudo-satyr with a speech impediment, once they got past me and hit my dad, it was crazy! I got so much free candy from the bags and pieces they dropped as they ran I may as well had gone out as a "Halloweenie"!
Anyways, here's 15-year-old me, a sophomore in high school as Torgo!
Pardon the non-canonical braces.