Just in time for the summer season it’s Doctor Anthony Fauci Flip Flops! Now you can experience the duality of being both a highly respected doctor and a complete moron while sitting around your dingy apartment because the outdoors are closed indefinitely!
Doctor Fauci Flip Flops are adorned with actual quotes from the American doctor/celebrity wannabe that contradict themselves more than a Book of Mormon poorly translated into Garzabomulax. Feel the power that comes by being an accurate smartass and simultaneously an off-the-rails maniac, just like America’s beloved/despised face of the coronavirus pandemic! They are even weighted so as to prevent you from sticking your feet in your mouth! A Fauci Approved Guarantee!
So if you want to tell a panicked and weary citizenry:
“There’s no reason to be walking around with a mask: when you’re in the middle of an outbreak wearing a mask might make people feel a little bit better, and it might even block a droplet, but it’s not providing the perfect protection people think that it is.”
And turn around and say the following in a Congressional testimony without ever retracting, correcting or even acknowledging your previous statements:
“…That in fact you need some supplementation to just physical distancing, and that’s the reason some time ago the recommendation was made, I believe it was Doctor Redfield at the CDC who first said that, but getting some sort of a covering, we don’t want to call it a mask because back then we were concerned we’d be taking masks away from the healthcare providers, but some sort of mask-like facial covering, I think for the time being could be a very regular part of how we prevent the spread of infection.”
Then the walking inconsistencies of Doctor Anthony Fauci Flip Flops are a summer must! Wear them as you tout remdesivir to the American people as a "proven" treatment for the coronavirus despite the easily verifiable fact that the same study you're quoting includes this statement:
"Our trial found that intravenous remdesivir did not significantly improve the time to clinical improvement, mortality, or time to clearance of virus in patients with serious COVID-19 compared with placebo." [Source]
Buy them now before you, your loved ones and everyone in the world dies of COVID-19! Order today! Operators are standing by, at home! Buy, you mindless consumer, it’s the only thing that remains to validate your existence in these unprecedented times!
LEOMINSTER, MA- With compulsory face mask orders taking effect on 6 May by emergency decree of Governor Charlie Baker, local woman and voracious consumer of online conspiracies Dasia Johnson was seen busy at work crafting a protective covering of her own out of tin foil.
“The entire virus is a hoax,” Ms. Johnson said. “It’s nothing but a socialist operation to destroy our economy, confiscate our guns and provide a cover to the military as they rescue deformed mole children from sex traffickers in the sewers of New York City. Film your hospitals; there are no bodies. It’s the greatest lie since the moon landing or 9/11.”
When presented with the facts that none of her ideas are valid, and the possibility that she is actually completely insane, Ms. Johnson shrugged our data off as part of the Illuminati agenda.
“The only thing we have to worry about are 5G networks,” she continued. “That’s what the foil mask is for: 5G causes the symptoms that lying, vaccine pushing doctors allege to be COVID-19. I watched a video on YouTube about how this whole thing was planned so I’m not an idiot sheep like you. Why don’t you wake up?”
Our reporters were then kicked off of Ms. Johnson’s property and threatened with a fully loaded AR-15, illegally modified with a bump stock and with no safety. From inside her home, the sounds of Alex Jones’ Info Wars programming could be heard loudly.
WASHINGTON- After downplaying the approaching coronavirus pandemic on 1 February in a tweet that read:
And again on 3 March where he tweeted:
US Surgeon General Jerome Adams has at last leapt from the high dive and into the pool of insanity by appearing today dressed as an Aztec high priest where he demanded that the American people begin practising human sacrifices to the god Tlaloc in order to cure COVID-19.
“Tlaloc must be appeased,” the Surgeon General said in a press briefing alongside a column of children purchased from their mothers by the US State Department, awaiting their fate. “Tlaloc has infested our nation with plague, our crops will be doomed to wither in the field. We must repent! Tlaloc demands the tears of the young!”
Mr. Adams then proceeded to lead the children outside and towards the National Mall. Members of the National Guard were there to whip and beat the children, ensuring that their tears would wet the earth, before the entire column was ceremoniously immolated before the Smithsonian Castle.
We need a new word here in the year of our Lord 2020, and I have it right here:
This is the term that I am using to describe the ceaseless adverts about COVID-19, being together at home, or otherwise reminding you of the global pandemic when you are desperately trying to take your mind off of the global pandemic.
The other day, I put on Ghost Adventures on the Travel Channel after a storm of notifications from the BBC News app reminded me that death was lurking around every corner of this new reality that I occupy. There were ten ads in the first break and bloody nine of them were about COVID-19, the "new normal," or how we're all in this together.
Fuck off. Just fuck right off.
I can't even tune in to Nickelodeon or Cartoon Network without existential dread pouring forth from my television like a Lovecraftian nightmare. The tendrils of ancient, unholy beasts are always there. Death is just outside the door.
My elderly parents have a decent sized yard with a gazebo and a pool, and they're afraid to go out in that yard for fear that the virus is lurking in the grass or in the trees, and that a little breeze will spread it like a demonic cough right into their faces. The constant news cycle didn't implant these fears by itself, these incessant coronammercials are just as bad, if not worse, than never changing the channel from FOX, CNN or MSNBC.
Big companies, business and the like, I have some advice: Shut the fuck up. If you want to make an impact in "these unprecedented times," stop wasting your money on television ads and put it towards virological research and development, and maybe then we can get back to something remotely ordinary a little sooner.
Until then, shut your holes and realize that nobody wants your shitty car, phone, or Barbie's Quarantine Dream House until we can go about safely and get work again.
LOS ANGELES- California man Joseph Freeman was gunned down by the LAPD on 1 May, 2020 after being seen standing less than six feet away from another individual while in queue at a grocery store. Freeman, who was shot 23 times, had ventured too close to the woman in front of him while waiting to enter a Whole Foods. After noticing the one inch discrepancy, the woman (whose identity has not been released) immediately dialed 911 and officers arrived on the scene within four minutes. Freeman, an African-American aged 56 and a Gulf War veteran, was fired upon by the all-white officers who only told him to back up an additional inch after the gunfire ceased and two officers had planted a knife on his lifeless body. LAPD Incumbent Michael Moore stated that his officers acted accordingly given the situation and that there would be no further comments or investigations into what he deems a routine matter for his department.