LOS ANGELES- In commemoration of the storming of the Bastille in 1789 and the beginning of the French Revolution, Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) agents have stormed the homes of several people across the United States in order to haul them off to fortress political prison camps where they can be safely stripped of their human rights.
The raids, referred to as "liquidation" by ICE agents, come after US President Donald Trump ordered an increase in crackdowns on all non-white immigrants in what has been referred to by decent human beings, political scientists, historians and Holocaust survivors as a "crime against humanity."
"I watched Schindler's List in high school." says ICE agent Conner Mackenzie. "I always thought, 'wow, those Germans really love their country, I wish I could be like that' and here I am today!" The agent was unable to answer any questions as he was busy putting a three-year-old Guatemalan boy into a choke hold while angrily shouting "MAGA" into his face as he cried for his parents.
"America is truly becoming great again," says 94-year-old retired doctor Klaus Schneider from behind shifting eyes that were swiftly covered by a pair of sunglasses. "I know nothing else."
Mr. Schneider legally entered the United States in 1946, but his entire life prior to that point remains unknown. When asked if he was concerned about the immigrant raids, he simply replied: "I'm a good American Boy, I told you I know nothing."
THE SOL SYSTEM- The Glorious Lord Rigborius Zeether, Supreme Leader of the Pruma Empire, made his return to Earth today to begin his time-honoured human hunt and safari. The festivities began in the early hours of 9 July over Australia with a flyover of six thousand Pruma starfighters to announce the arrival of the Grand Imperial Convoy carrying the interstellar ruler and his court.
"The human population has seriously grown since my last visit two years ago," says Lord Zeether (note that two years in the Pruma Calendar is about 1986.3 Earth years). "This should give us some record numbers!" Reporters were immediately blasted in the heads and cooked over uranium fires before being consumed, as is tradition.
The last Human Hunt, occurring around 32 CE, resulted in the death of John the Baptist and the arrival of Christianity by Pruma Missionaries. It has also been rumoured that Lord Zeether fathered Chinese general Ban Chao at this time, the first of the shape-shifting human-reptilian hybrids.
At time of publication, most of eastern Australia has been destroyed by the hunting party with several kangaroos captured as curious pets for the royal visitors. As an offering of peace between humanity and the Pruma Empire, US President Donald Trump has offered his son Eric as tribute to Lord Zeether.
TORONTO- A new study by the University of Toronto has found that at least 87% of all humans on Earth find the element of oxygen to be offensive. Individuals cite the gas's presence during times of civil unrest, world wars, the collapse of many great civilizations, and its existence in an aeon that saw five mass extinctions over 541 million years as the leading reasons for the protest against the vapour.
"Oxygen's connection to several eras of despair for millions of species is enough to make me say 'no thanks' from here on out," says prolific nudist and slacktivist Dolfin Staar of San Francisco.
Professor Ludwig Meyer of Leipzig University goes further into the unsavoury history of the eighth element, stating: "About 2.3 billion years ago, cyanobacteria appeared on Earth and began spewing their waste into the atmosphere. That waste was oxygen." The professor continued: "The Great Oxygen Event, as this is known, led to the mass extinction of anaerobic bacteria. Oxygen is a killer!"
Bearing witness to the suffering of humanity, dinosaurs, trilobites, and mammal-like reptiles and doing nothing to stop it has left many people breathless in anger towards oxygen, and has sparked several movements on social media calling for lawmakers in Canada, the United States, France and Germany to pass legislation that would not only ban the element's usage, but to also remove it completely from Earth's atmosphere by 2100.
"Creating an hypoxic utopia may seem like a daunting task," says logging company executive Sherman Yates. "But if our profits continue to climb at the current rate, we may be able to get there by 2050. 2030 tops. Dreams can come true!"
WASHINGTON- As the United States prepares its annual celebration of the nation's independence from Great Britain, President Donald Trump has announced a "Salute to America" in honour of the occasion that will include tanks, fighter jet flyovers, displays of Minuteman III missiles and a special goosestepping presentation by The 501st Imperial Stromtrooper Garrison.
"It is about time that the US became modernized in its ritual martial displays like our great nation," says North Korean leader Kim Jong-un. "America truly is great again."
Some Americans have mixed feelings about the rebranding of a holiday that traditionally celebrated the average citizen over military might, but most are perfectly fine with the abrupt change.
"We need to flex our strength and salute the troops more than we do," says all-around patriot Billy Ray Bo Floyd-Williams while dressed in a flag. "We be strong, we be man, we need four Veterans Days! Yee-haw!"
Critics of the event were swiftly called out as a bunch of hippy libtard cucks on 4chan, where they have been ordered to "go back to Canada" amidst written chants of "America: Love it or leave it!."
TEHRAN- In a move that surprised only Americans, Iran joined the rest of the planet in calling for a regime change in the United States, citing the nation and its uncontrolled military usage as the premiere threat to global security and international peace.
"The United States have created an artificial crisis in our nation and abroad," says Iranian leader Hassan Rouhani. "We've kept our end of the nuclear deal, it's President Trump who has violated it."
Leaders all over the globe have cited the United States' history of falsifying evidence to justify foreign wars, including the sinking of the USS Maine in 1898 and a mystery vial that led to the invasion of Iraq in 2003.
"Americans are quick to criticize imperialism, but run an empire of their own." says Canadian PM Justin Trudeau. "It's quite obvious to everyone else on Earth that their government has been attempting to occupy much of the Middle East for the past fifty years. It needs to stop."
Shinzō Abe of Japan added: "Just look at what happened here when we invaded a continent for oil and war materials. I didn't end well."
When asked for his opinion on an American invasion of Iran, President Vladimir Putin simply winked and gave a light smirk.