Hi there. We’re working from home, just like you, to bring you this important message. We here at Major Business want to remind you about the ongoing coronavirus pandemic even if you were just tuning into a nonsensical ghost hunting show to take your mind off of that very pandemic. Didn’t mean to make you upset, but these new COVID-19 notes make up 70% of all advertising now.
We’re upset too. You aren’t able to buy cars, pizza, houses and useless little USB gadgets from us while trapped inside and with a diminutive disposable income. This makes us sad, so we made this advert filled with either sombre piano chords or some uplifting vocalizations from last year’s Christmas campaigns to make you feel better or more hopeless depending on how much news you’ve been watching as of late.
We’re here for you. We’re in this together.
Now, I know we’ve faced challenges before, but in these unprecedented times it is more important than ever that you remember that we still exist and are still more than happy to take your money for a giant novelty foam finger. You can buy one on our website right now and get (probably) contactless delivery.
I know we weren’t there during Hurricane Maria, or Harvey, or even Katrina. And we sure as shit weren’t there during all those wildfires the past few years. Mass shootings? Nah, we’re going to stay away from that as well. Too political and we don’t need all the gun nuts bashing us on Twitter.
But right now, when we need your business as much as you need something silly to look forward to arriving in the mail amidst the endless news of disease and death, now we are here.
And we’ll still be here long after this is all over and we can celebrate and gather in groups again. We’ll be here long after you’ve rotted to dust. We are eternal. We are one.
EARTH- As dawn came over the small blue orb third from the sun, mankind roused with a newfound sense of sadness, dread and hopelessness brought about by the global event known as One World United At Home. While marketed as a virtual concert in dedication to humanity’s heroes on the frontline of the COVID-19 pandemic, the event featured very little in terms of uplifting music, and instead featured a series of dirges, sorrowful ballads and talented singers who, for whatever reason, were not given proper audio equipment leading to sound issues more at home in garage rehearsal spaces.
“I know we’re going through a horrible time,” said Vancouver woman and former grunge bassist Melissa Hatfield. “But when I look to artists and musicians in a time of universal melancholy, I’m hoping that they’re going to at least try to help inspire us and give us optimism for a light at the end of this tunnel. I don’t want to hear some whiny song like “Rainbow” that makes me feel worse, at least give us “Here Comes the Sun” for a semblance of hope!”
When the set was not mired in infinite sadness from low-tempo requiems, viewers were shown the sheer futility of man’s situation with footage inside of hospitals overwhelmed with coronavirus patients on the verge of death, or lines of cars stretching over the horizon in the United States as people desperately searched for food donations. And when such images were at last put aside for another song, listeners were greeted by Paul McCartney’s pathetic attempt at recreating “Lady Madonna” while forgetting both the beat and lyrics, proving that it is possible to be too old to rock.
In addition to lackluster performances by artists five decades past their prime, audiences also had to cope with Jennifer Lopez’s obvious lip syncing, the talented Billie Eilish not having access to a microphone so that her voice was drowned out by an obnoxious organ, Keith Urban, and John Legend forcibly removing every last ounce of pep from the classic “Stand by Me.”
WASHINGTON- Citing the World Health Organization (WHO) response to the coronavirus pandemic as a failure that only served to instill fear in the hearts of millions of patriotic Americans, US President Donald Trump has declared the international institute that prides itself as the “global guardian of public health” to be a terrorist cell.
“People here are afraid,” the President said from the Rose Garden in a statement yesterday. “Their way of life has been destroyed and our economy is under attack. We have only the World Health Organization to blame for this. This is terrorism. The WHO is collaborating with al-Qaeda, ISIS and China to destroy us all. We must set a precedent for the world and defend ourselves. My ratings are better than Monday Night Football.”
After declaring the WHO a terrorist organization, the US immediately suspended funding and encouraged other nations to follow suit, much to their abject horror.
“This is like burning down the fire station in an effort to prevent any more fires,” said Canadian PM Justin Trudeau. “It’s madness.”
At press time, President Trump had summoned his military and civilian advisors to discuss a tactical nuclear strike against Geneva.
HALIFAX- With dwindling supplies, rationing, and long lines at the few stores allowed stay open amidst the coronavirus pandemic, local couple Mark and Katie Swanson have resorted to wearing their S&M bondage hoods and masks in public in an effort to protect themselves and others from the deadly plague.
“It’s not ideal,” Katie said from beneath her leather cat guise. “But we just can’t get any masks and there’s nothing left around that can be safely used. I figured if it’s easy to wash spunk off of leather it would easy to wash the virus off too.”
Mark stayed close to his wife by means of a dog leash and collar while wearing a fully zipped hood that covered both his mouth and eyes. “This sort of protection is something everyone should seek out,” he mumbled. “We’re privileged to be able to experience this in public.”
Katie swiftly pulled her husband’s leash, telling him to stay quiet until they got home from the grocery store and making it very clear that the safe word was “vaccine.”
MADISON, WI- Rather than postpone the primary election on Tuesday, 7 April to a later date when the world is slightly less contagious, Wisconsin Republicans and the Supreme Court have decided that if people want to vote, they’d better get off their quarantined asses and infect the polls instead.
“We need to show these dirty libtards that democracy does not wait for an alleged virus pandemic,” said young GOP activist/skinhead Ted Early Turner. “If they want to use these crazy conspiracies to try to oust my President and make him look bad just because the witch hunt impeachment failed, then there’ll be a big surprise coming this November for all of the cucks out there! MAGA!”
Mr. Turner was immediately stricken ill with COVID-19 after coming into contact with a coughing voter who should have received their absentee ballot three weeks ago. After closing, the CDC has recommended that each polling site be burned to the ground and the ashes soaked in bleach for no less than six days.