MATADOR, TX- After years of consumer enjoyment of pumpkin spice lattes, marshmallows, teas, SPAM, cookies, ice cream, cereals, yogourt pretzels, regular pretzels, protein powder, dog treats, cream cheese, Oreos and body spray, the magical flavour of the prized autumn squash has finally arrived in your beef!
“Now that we’ve removed GMOs and antibiotics, our cattle have more than enough room to be injected full of seasonal pumpkin spice goodness so that your steaks and briskets are full of flavour right from the get go!” said all-American cowboy Avery Wilson.
Red meat lovers won’t have to scour the internet for recipes now that their hamburgers are ready-made with everyone’s favourite fall treat! Just slap some pumpkin pie mix on top of your patty and stick it between some pumpkin buns and every post-Labour Day weekend is a barbecue weekend again! (Use pumpkin spice barbecue sauce to complete the experience.)
And because no part of the steer is left unused, this now means pumpkin spice leather jackets and belts! Take the zest of pumpkins with you to work, school, funerals or your pending second-degree murder trial! The spice is everywhere, resistance is denied and you will conform!
D’ARCY, BC- The truth has at long last arrived! Earlier today, the mangled body of a Sasquatch was discovered along Duffey Lake Rd. some 225 km north of Vancouver. The legendary beast had apparently been struck by an 18-wheeler and was pummelled into the pavement as it attempted to cross the mountain road.
Though severely flattened, experts estimate that the Bigfoot would have stood at about 2.6 meters (over 8.5 feet) but weighed around a mere 226 kilograms (about 500 pounds) before the majority of its internal organs were flung into the trees and nearby river. This reduced bulk provides insight into how the creature was able to be so nimble as to avoid human contact and camera lenses for decades, and is dramatically lighter than most Bigfoot Experts had originally predicted.
“I don’t care about any of the science mumbo-jumbo,” said preeminent Bigfoot Researcher Russell “Dodo” McCloud. “The fact that I was right, that we were right, is all I need.” Mr. McCloud could not provide further comments as he was too busy shouting, drinking and jerking-off with joy to be bothered.
The science mumbo-jumbo has so far revealed that the body is, in fact, authentic and does not appear to be a misidentified bear or a dead guy in a gorilla suit. DNA testing will conclude the exact nature of this new species that has already been given the common name of North American Wood Ape.
WASHINGTON- Amidst a carnival-like atmosphere, ICE director Thomas Homan has recently announced that the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency would be officially joining forces with NAMBLA given the two groups' intensive interest in children, especially young boys.
“NAMBLA has agreed to assist us in the detention of immigrant boys, even going so far as to volunteer their time to guard, groom and prepare the children for deportation.” said Mr. Homan before a crowd of slimy looking men, strangely smiling from beneath their thin moustaches and thick-framed glasses, rubbing their hands together in anxious anticipation.
Several members of NAMBLA were immediately given official ICE agent status and rapidly deployed to the US-Mexico border to begin assisting with the detention and care of arrested migrant children as part of President Trump’s plan to terrorize minority populations and inter them indefinitely in concentration camps.
“This is a huge, throbbing step forward for America and for our great organization,” said NAMBLA member Jimmy A. Hooper, seemingly unable to contain himself. “With our newfound legitimacy, we can remove the age of consent and make America great again in the process!”
When asked if he knew what NAMBLA stood for, or what they represented, Thomas Homan shrugged and stated that so long as they were true patriots with Trump in their hearts, he could care less and that we would find ourselves in a labour camp if we continued to ask any more questions.
ZANESVILLE, OH- The school year may have just begun, but little five-year-old Thomas Whitney is already questioning the establishment and demanding realistic answers from the newfound adults in his life.
"I have to sit here for six hours a day or longer, and follow strict rules that serve nobody but those with the authority," said Thomas from beneath his dinosaur themed cap. "All this so I know my place in the adult world and never question the status quo. This is complete bullshit, why aren't we revolting?"
Dubbed "Little Lennon" by Mrs. Wallace, Thomas' new teacher, the boy has already made quite a name for himself as he talks about expanding free speech and more juice for the proletariat from atop the playground slide.
"His ideas are unbelievably well-crafted for such a youngster," says Mrs. Wallace. "I can certainly get behind a lot of what he's saying, although I think the children have missed the point, especially the one that only eats paste and bottle caps."
When asked if the boy wanted to be a politician when he grew up, Thomas responded that he already wanted to be a train conducting spaceman.
BOSTON- Going back to school is stressful for children, parents and teachers alike, but one school in Boston is changing that by mandating that all children walk into the building with nothing but bright, yet unenthusiastic, smiles or face a penalty of 90 days in detention.
Principal Herman Köhler issued all teachers and staff rubber batons and let loose his prized German Shepherds to greet the students in the new year. Students who were caught crying or displaying a lack of respect towards the school and its faculty were swiftly bludgeoned to shouts of "Lächle, verdammt" before being escorted to their proper teachers.
"I have made it my mission to keep zhe children disciplined but happy, and happy but not in such a vay zhat it promotes independent thought." said Principal Köhler dressed to the nines in his sleek brown uniform with matching hat and skull insignia. "I vill produce only zhe best and strongest for society, zhe rest vill be dealt vith in ozer vays."
As soon as the first bell rang, the large fence surrounding the school was immediately shut, locked and electrified as several armed guards took positions around the perimeter. Principal Köhler told us that this was a new effort to prevent school shootings and other acts of violence. Well done, sir!