CLINTON, MA- It began with a post to a local group on the social media giant. Lifelong resident Smash Hudson had written about an incident taking place a few days earlier involving his young elementary school aged cousins. According to Mr. Hudson, his cousins had been allegedly approached and chased at the local baseball park by a 3.6 metre tall man with three legs (two well-groomed goat’s legs and one human), a long, serpentine neck, a bare head of scales with two small horns the size and shape of an adult woman’s thumbs, and a long dragon’s tail. Upon failure to nab the children, the man was seen getting into a vehicle nearly identical to The Munster’s Drag-U-La coffin car.
The post was met with immediate fear by other Clinton parents and family members, and extreme rage towards the unidentified man. Garnering nearly 200 comments threatening vigilante justice before the administrators finally closed the listing, several names were attributed to the massive goat legged and tail bearing man before the residents finally agreed that it had to be none other than Jesse Baxter.
Baxter, who moved to Phoenix, AZ along with his family in 1999 when he was a sophomore in high school, and who has not been to Massachusetts at all in 21 years, immediately had his Facebook profile picture shared to the group and was reposted hundreds of times by local armchair cops demanding his death.
“I came home from work at the hospital where I was treating COVID-19 patients to thousands, and I mean thousands of death threats on my Facebook account,” said Doctor Baxter at 1.8 metres tall with a full head of dark brown hair and no discernible tail or extra limbs. “I haven’t even thought about that shithole town in ages. What the fuck?”
Smash Hudson has a theory.
“I knew Jesse back in middle school, I think,” Hudson said. “I always thought there was something off about him, like he could be some sort of shapeshifting freak but only when Saturn and Jupiter align with the moon the right way. The likelihood that he can teleport in order to steal away our kids to his lair is something I just thought of.”
Days after he made the initial post to the local Facebook group, Hudson finally decided that maybe this was something better suited for the police to handle rather than act on his own accord and finally filed a formal report. After interviewing several Clinton residents, often late at night and in complete darkness, local authorities determined that the kids in question had likely made up the story about the massive dragon man and that Smash Hudson, a man renown for huffing paint, was likely high when he wrote the post.