WINNIPEG- Local mother Kimberly Hamm was simultaneously shocked and delighted upon learning that her son Francis had at last learned the fine art of commitment after finding himself permanently infused with his girlfriend of three weeks, Janet.
"It was after our Friday dinner and movie date," Janet-Maurine Gagnon said from beneath Francis. "We decided that it was time to take our relationship further, and things just sort of happened."
What happened, according to emergency medical staff at Victoria General Hospital, was a case of mistaken identity.
"I had just dimmed the lights and gotten down to my briefs," Francis Hamm said while struggling to balance atop his companion. "Janet was ready to go and I was a little nervous, and in the darkness I accidentally grabbed a bottle of Clear Gorilla Glue instead of the Liquid Silk."
The couple says that it was after only a few thrusts that they found themselves entangled, and called 911 for assistance. After arriving at Victoria General, doctors concluded that the only way to separate the duo was through an emergency penectomy, to which Francis declined.
"I figured it'll take some getting used to, but I guess I can live with it." said a reluctant Janet, who had just notified her family of her newfound partnership.
"I'm ecstatic!" says Mrs. Hamm. "With a little redecorating, there will be plenty of room in my basement for them to live until we figure everything out."
At the time of publication, hospital staff and Home Depot employees were working together to build a dolly that would allow for better mobility as the lovers prepare for release.