LOS ANGELES- Citing concerns that releasing any decent remakes and reboots this year could expose tens of thousands of moviegoers to the coronavirus, Hollywood executives have announced that there will be no new films or major superhero blockbusters this coming summer.
“Let’s face it, the theatre isn’t the cleanest or nicest place to be,” said Tom Rothman of Sony Pictures. “A tiny room gets filled up with disease infested people and you all know damn well nobody’s cleaning that place up until after the last screenings of the week. Sure, some kid will pick up the leftover soda cups and help himself to some of the floor popcorn, but that’s about it. Theatres are a Petri dish, and we all know it.”
To combat the loss of new material and to keep their dying industry afloat, major cinema chains have announced that they will be screening classic films in the absence of any new Marvel and Star Wars pictures.
“During the Depression, theatres would have all sorts of events to get people to spend what little money they had on a talkie,” said Regal Cinema assistant manager and teenager whose voice just changed, Milton Dubois. “They’d have free dinnerware, ladies’ nights, automobile raffles, and all sorts of gimmicks. Anyone who thinks it’s easier to just wait two months for a movie to come out on Blu-ray or Netflix is crazy. It’s all good here!”
Regal has announced that its summer lineup of timeless films will include titles such as The Andromeda Strain, Outbreak, I Am Legend and, of course, the early 21st century classic Smallpox 2002: Silent Weapon.