LEOMINSTER, MA- With compulsory face mask orders taking effect on 6 May by emergency decree of Governor Charlie Baker, local woman and voracious consumer of online conspiracies Dasia Johnson was seen busy at work crafting a protective covering of her own out of tin foil.
“The entire virus is a hoax,” Ms. Johnson said. “It’s nothing but a socialist operation to destroy our economy, confiscate our guns and provide a cover to the military as they rescue deformed mole children from sex traffickers in the sewers of New York City. Film your hospitals; there are no bodies. It’s the greatest lie since the moon landing or 9/11.”
When presented with the facts that none of her ideas are valid, and the possibility that she is actually completely insane, Ms. Johnson shrugged our data off as part of the Illuminati agenda.
“The only thing we have to worry about are 5G networks,” she continued. “That’s what the foil mask is for: 5G causes the symptoms that lying, vaccine pushing doctors allege to be COVID-19. I watched a video on YouTube about how this whole thing was planned so I’m not an idiot sheep like you. Why don’t you wake up?”
Our reporters were then kicked off of Ms. Johnson’s property and threatened with a fully loaded AR-15, illegally modified with a bump stock and with no safety. From inside her home, the sounds of Alex Jones’ Info Wars programming could be heard loudly.