WASHINGTON- As the United States grows more fearful of the recent coronavirus outbreak, Vice President Mike Pence, who was placed at the helm of combating the illness by President Trump, made an appearance this afternoon to sooth the nation’s uncertainties of a possible pandemic while dressed as a 17th-century plague doctor.
“There is no need for alarm, the virus is contained and we have everything under control,” VP Pence said at the press conference, his voice muddled from within his potpourri filled beak.
“Do I look like someone who is worried?” he added. “Just wash your hands thirty to seventy times a day and keep a few cans of chicken soup handy in the event you get sick.” Pence instructed. “We truly have a tight rein on this situation.”
The conference was quickly ended after a journalist coughed just once, forcing the Vice President to push the man aside with his plague cane as he hastily retreated into the White House while demanding a gallon of liquid soap. At press time, local artists were seen creating modern renditions of the Danse Macabre as a column of monks walked by flagellating themselves.