CHAPELTOWN, MA- Amidst ongoing protests against racially charged police killings in the United States, the suburban centre of Chapeltown, Massachusetts, which sits just outside the southwest corner of former textile king Lowell, called an emergency meeting to discuss what their community could do to combat the grotesque misconduct that routinely occurs within their own police department.
The Chapeltown Police have been the subject of scrutiny for several years as officers have been found to arrest non-white citizens to fill quotas placed by Chief Jimmy Spines, involved in the vandalization of local synagogues and mosques, random beatings of unarmed individuals walking their dogs, and the notorious raid on the Jakobson farm in October of 2019 where nearly the entire department descended onto the small home after mistaking the family’s pet pigs for captive police officers.
“I’m afraid to leave my home on any given day,” said Chapeltown resident Lisa Grimes. “It would be safer if Ted Bundy were resurrected and charged with our security. I’ve been pulled over on several occasions because some cop thinks I’m hot, and then I am ticketed because I refused to give the officer a fucking blow job! These inbred, bumbling, sexist, racist assholes are a bigger threat to us than any outside entity!”
“Had I known earlier how I would be treated here, I would have stayed in El Salvador or would have found the resources to seek asylum in Canada. There is no protection here for anyone, let alone the minority population.” wrote Carlos Santiago, who was unable to speak aloud as his tongue had been removed by Officer Delano Moss in 2015 after he was arrested simply to fill Chief Spines’ Hispanic/Latino quota for the day. No charges were ever filed against Moss, and he continues to serve with the Chapeltown Police Department.
After nearly the entire town had revealed their personal horrors regarding their interactions with local authorities, the department itself was granted time to defend its past and current actions.
“Der, wes stoppa the violence and the crimes, der,” began Chief Jimmy Spines. “You can’t not just gets rids of the po-polices and thinks that yous will be safe. Wes protects you from the bad bads. If you defund-ud the police, whos will bes there to help yous sniff for truffles? Whos will bes there to spreads new strains of da swine flus, der?”
Despite a nearly unanimous vote by the townspeople to defund and completely rebuild the police department, the Status-quo Warriors won the round as Town Manager Peter Conicalnads decided to overrule the vote and keep everything as is. Mr. Conicalnads was later seen receiving a large bag with a dollar sign on it from Chief Spines behind the town hall after the meeting had adjourned.