TULSA, OK- Continuing his assault on the American people, including having used chemical weapons on peaceful demonstrators in Washington DC, US President Donald Trump stepped up his campaign of terror by releasing a biological weapon onto the city of Tulsa, Oklahoma that exposed over half of the city’s population to the novel coronavirus. However, after seeing his poll numbers continue to decline, the attack was rebranded as a political rally.
“By turning a war crime into a re-election promotion the history books will look at this moment with pride and the beginning of a new, glorious age for the American Empire,” said campaign manager Brad Pascale. “We’ve already convinced a third of the population that the virus is a hoax, or that only whiny libtards can contract it. With any luck, we’ll reduce the opposition party’s numbers on top of this, as well as creating a white ethnostate that will last a thousand years!”
Deep in the netherworld of Jahannam, the Islamic realm of retribution for evil souls, the eternally damned Osama bin Laden was able to weep for joy in between demonic eviscerations as news came of the destruction occurring in the land of his most hated enemies.
“This disaster of a president is more than anything I could have brought upon the infidels,” said bin Laden just before he was decapitated only for his head to regenerate so that he may undergo further and rightfully deserved punishment. “Just look at that death toll from the virus: that’s more than forty 9/11s and it keeps going up! At this rate, my work will probably become nothing more than a footnote.”
Back on Earth, states across the American south and heartland brace for more intensive shutdowns and the reality of overwhelmed hospitals as governors, mayors and other Republican leaders continue to fail their citizens, leaving a path of death and misery the likes of which have not been seen since the World Wars, the Spanish Flu or the Great Depression.
NEW YORK- After reveling in a newfound respect the likes of which had not been seen since the aftermath of the 11 September attacks as a result of the coronavirus pandemic, police officers in New York City were dismayed to find that they had swiftly once more become the target of criticism as demands for police reform have swept the nation following several murders of unarmed Black men across the United States. Today, New Yorkers now celebrate the seven o’clock hour with a volley of rotting tomatoes thrown at the NYPD rather than bang on pots to show their respect and support (though such acts are still performed, they are reserved only for hospital staff, firefighters, EMTs and grocery clerks).
“Those people went from cheering us on to throwing shit at us like we’re a bad Vaudeville act,” said Officer Jack Scorpio while wiping away eggs, flour and several bits of old vegetables from his face. “If I ever see those freaks on the street, I’ll shoot them so fast and plant a knife on them. Same goes for anyone filming me!”
The resentment towards the public that they are charged with protecting comes amid calls to reduce police funding, demilitarization of equipment and training, and to actually protect and not terrorize communities of colour. The NYPD has already disbanded its plainclothes unit given their incredible use of unnecessary force while on the job and more cities are expected to take similar measures.
“It’s disgusting,” said NYPD Officer Brian Taylor. “It used to be so that I could demand respect in this uniform, now I may have to go back to wearing a pointy white hood just to do my job. All those camera happy civvies make me sick. I ought to…”
[Editor’s Note: The remainder of Officer Taylor’s comments have been removed due to his detailed descriptions of murdering civilians of all races for sport.]
ATLANTA- In its first press briefing since March, the Centres for Disease Control and Prevention has at last emerged from the shadows to announce to the United States and the world that new studies have proven that ghosts and spirits are capable of both contracting and spreading the novel coronavirus that causes COVID-19.
“We have found that of the ghosts, elementals, and uncanny sprites tested, about 62% were positive for the virus,” said Robert Redfield while dressed in a star patterned purple robe and wearing a pyramid shaped hat. “Unlike HIV, Ebola and homosexuality, which are directly caused by demons and sin, the new coronavirus seems to be capable of transcending this plane and infecting the spirit world rather than coming from some evil miasma. Ghosts are capable of spreading the virus amongst one another and to living human beings.”
While reporters were far more interested in the newly discovered evidence of life after death, a multidimensional reality, and just how the CDC was able to run virologic tests on supernatural beings, Redfield was preoccupied with a personal concern for the health and wellbeing of Jesus Christ and a deceased cactus that had once adorned his home. After twenty minutes of speaking in tongues, the briefing continued:
“This study shows that the leading cause of coronavirus spread on Earth is the presence of infected ghosts in homes, schools, offices, spooky forests, abandoned railyards, battlefields, and pretty much everywhere.” Redfield said. “We as a society must practise social distancing from the hereafter and stem the spread through mass exorcisms. Wearing facial coverings and masks made from selenite couldn’t hurt either.”
The briefing came to a sudden end as Redfield began to float about the room before disappearing into a mysterious black void.
BURBANK, CA- As the United States grapples with its racist history of slavery, segregation, intentionally infecting Black men with syphilis as part of a government experiment, and police brutality that disproportionately targets Black communities as a result of modern policing’s origins in “fugitive” slave catching, The Walt Disney Company has decided that now, of all times and places, is the perfect point to rerelease the controversial 1946 film Song of the South on their Disney+ streaming service.
“We here at Disney feel that we must confront our part in contributing to the horribly racist American past,” said CEO Bob Chapek. “And while HBO may be pulling Gone with the Wind in order to provide some much needed context, we feel that the long since hidden Song of the South can speak for itself and has much to add to recent events and the modern conversation on racial equality.”
The film, which takes place on a post-Civil War plantation during the Reconstruction era, largely consists of horrifyingly offensive Black stereotypes and presents life on the plantation, both before and after the war, as a picturesque world where the horrors of slavery are washed away by animated stories and songs like “Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah.” While the African American characters are no longer slaves in the film, it completely ignores that part of American history and refuses to acknowledge the systems of white supremacy that emerged in the 1870s in response to Reconstruction that still exist to this day.
When asked what such a disgusting movie could possibly add to the conversation, Chapek merely responded with: “Well, we have to explain where the idea for Splash Mountain came from...” before running away and locking himself in his office. Mr. Chapek was later heard begging the ghost of avowed racist and anti-Semite Walt Disney for his approval.
AUCKLAND- New Zealand volcanologist Doctor Mia Andrews found herself at the heart of a heated debate amongst dozens of Americans after her tweet about magma was misread as “MAGA” by the US president’s most resolute acolytes.
“I was only discussing the most elementary aspects of volcanology for all the kids stuck at home, and the next thing I know I’m receiving death threats regarding gun confiscation by a bunch of Yanks.” said Doctor Andrews. “It’s really terrifying but at least they’re all stuck on the other side of the world.”
The tweet, which merely discussed the average temperatures of magma and its ability to easily melt manmade objects such as steel, was understood by several American users to be a threat towards the MAGA base and their personal firearms which they believe Doctor Andrews was going to steal away in the night and throw into the mouth of an active volcano as part of the liberal agenda. The volatile commentary reached critical mass after Kid Rock entered the debate.
Doctor Andrews has since deleted her Twitter account after several members of the Proud Boys began an organized harassment campaign resulting in her being doxed, and her personal information having been spread over 4chan. Similar incidents have occurred in the past with users discussing the Japanese graphic novels known as “manga.”