MEXICO CITY- Citing the rise in racially motivated terrorism and gun violence north of the border, Mexican President Andrés Manuel López Obrador has ordered that all white American males younger than the age of 55 to be denied entry into the country until authorities can figure out what is going on.
"These Americans are violent, they shoot on sight, they carry military weapons and target innocent people without a care," said President López Obrador early Tuesday morning. "They are uncontrollably angry, they bring in crime, they bring in drugs, but I'm sure that some of them are good people."
The ban on pasty boys comes after the United States dealt with three mass shootings in a single week, with two occurring just hours apart from each other over the weekend. Given the surge in radicalization of white men in the US over networks such as 8Chan and Telegram, the government of Mexico is taking no chances of allowing would-be white terrorists into the country.
"Dude, this is totally going to screw up my spring break!" shouted Josh Turner of
Phoenix, Arizona without a single show of empathy for the victims of white-supremacist violence. "The bros and I were gonna go to Cancun, get laid, and chug beer with our assholes. This sucks!"
Mexican police and military forces have been deployed to expel all young white Americans from the nation. The detainees will be taken to immigration centres along the border where they will be placed in dog cages and denied soap and toothpaste until they can be taken in by the US government in a fitting twist of events.