OTTAWA- Over the past several years, a new lexicon has arisen in both the United States and Britain alongside the upsurge of populist politics. Terms such as “cuck,” “clown world,” and “nogo-ungah-boo” are predominantly used by members of the extreme-right/cavemen and have consumed social media to the point where Twitter and Nazism have all but become indecipherable from one another. But one phrase in particular has gotten under the skin of every major political party in Canada, and that word is “snowflake.”
Traditionally used as an insult by the extreme-right against those deemed to be overly fragile whiny little liberals, and as an homage to a single scene in Fight Club that depicts cult-styled brainwashing, “snowflake” has recently taken on new meaning in the US as an anti-Canadian slur.
“Some Americans ganged up on my family at a Denny’s in Syracuse while we were visiting friends in the States,” said Ontario native Elizabeth Martin. “They asked if we were going to be having ‘snowflake bacon’ or the ‘real, American kind’ before pouring maple syrup over us, telling us to leave America and chanting Steam’s ‘Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye’ as we ran for our car.”
Martin and her family are not alone. Canadians are under siege while in the States, online, and even at home as Americans heading north seeking real, flavourful beer come into contact with peaceful Canucks and let loose a river of “snowflake” related insults upon these quaint and polite people.
In response, Ottawa has officially made the word “snowflake,” when used as an insult, a form of hate speech. The move was applauded by Liberals, Conservatives, Bloc Québécois, New Democrats and Greens alike. Any American found within Canada to be using the term “snowflake” will promptly be punished with a public cross-checking. Recurring offenders will have their gentiles removed by means of beavers.