D’ARCY, BC- The truth has at long last arrived! Earlier today, the mangled body of a Sasquatch was discovered along Duffey Lake Rd. some 225 km north of Vancouver. The legendary beast had apparently been struck by an 18-wheeler and was pummelled into the pavement as it attempted to cross the mountain road.
Though severely flattened, experts estimate that the Bigfoot would have stood at about 2.6 meters (over 8.5 feet) but weighed around a mere 226 kilograms (about 500 pounds) before the majority of its internal organs were flung into the trees and nearby river. This reduced bulk provides insight into how the creature was able to be so nimble as to avoid human contact and camera lenses for decades, and is dramatically lighter than most Bigfoot Experts had originally predicted.
“I don’t care about any of the science mumbo-jumbo,” said preeminent Bigfoot Researcher Russell “Dodo” McCloud. “The fact that I was right, that we were right, is all I need.” Mr. McCloud could not provide further comments as he was too busy shouting, drinking and jerking-off with joy to be bothered.
The science mumbo-jumbo has so far revealed that the body is, in fact, authentic and does not appear to be a misidentified bear or a dead guy in a gorilla suit. DNA testing will conclude the exact nature of this new species that has already been given the common name of North American Wood Ape.