Hi there. We’re working from home, just like you, to bring you this important message. We here at Major Business want to remind you about the ongoing coronavirus pandemic even if you were just tuning into a nonsensical ghost hunting show to take your mind off of that very pandemic. Didn’t mean to make you upset, but these new COVID-19 notes make up 70% of all advertising now.
We’re upset too. You aren’t able to buy cars, pizza, houses and useless little USB gadgets from us while trapped inside and with a diminutive disposable income. This makes us sad, so we made this advert filled with either sombre piano chords or some uplifting vocalizations from last year’s Christmas campaigns to make you feel better or more hopeless depending on how much news you’ve been watching as of late.
We’re here for you. We’re in this together.
Now, I know we’ve faced challenges before, but in these unprecedented times it is more important than ever that you remember that we still exist and are still more than happy to take your money for a giant novelty foam finger. You can buy one on our website right now and get (probably) contactless delivery.
I know we weren’t there during Hurricane Maria, or Harvey, or even Katrina. And we sure as shit weren’t there during all those wildfires the past few years. Mass shootings? Nah, we’re going to stay away from that as well. Too political and we don’t need all the gun nuts bashing us on Twitter.
But right now, when we need your business as much as you need something silly to look forward to arriving in the mail amidst the endless news of disease and death, now we are here.
And we’ll still be here long after this is all over and we can celebrate and gather in groups again. We’ll be here long after you’ve rotted to dust. We are eternal. We are one.