GENEVA- The World Health Organization declared victory over the novel coronavirus today as the disease that wreaked havoc and fear around the globe for months was eradicated in an instant as leading health professionals switched the “Pandemic” setting from “on” to “off” on the Worldwide Health Status supercomputer.
“It was such a simple solution,” said Doctor Zsuzsanna Jakab, Deputy-Director General of the WHO. “Once we noticed that an intern had left the ‘pandemic’ option on after a routine system upgrade, all that was required were two mouse clicks and mankind was cured of COVID-19. Now go back to your normal lives. We at the World Health Organization are deeply sorry about this whole ordeal. Our bad.”
The news was welcomed by the cruise ship and airline industries who had suffered significant financial losses due to longstanding lockdown orders.
“We here at the Carnival Corporation are ecstatic by this recent development,” said CEO Arnold W. Donald. “I can now promise that the only diseases passengers on our filthy ships will contract will be the classics such as salmonella and norovirus.”
US President Donald Trump made a brief appearance outside of his White House bunker to celebrate the eradication of the novel coronavirus.
“See, I told you this was all a hoax by the evil World Health Organization,” said President Trump.” They are terrorists, just like Antifa, and they will face the awesome power of our new super-duper missile system. America will let the world know that the only way to defeat a global pandemic is with a fiery mushroom over the WHO headquarters.”
The President hastily retreated into his Führerbunker like a coward, safely surrounded by his most loyal and vicious followers (as well as a makeshift wall) as he awaited the end of the nationwide unrest that has followed the murder of George Floyd at the hands of excessively violent police.