Those rascally little scamps at Google have gone and done it again! After many years on YouTube, channels like those of forgotten celebrities, racist gamers and late night talk show hosts will finally be given the prominence they have so greatly deserved on the platform! Earlier today, YouTube announced a new system that requires all users to be at the top of their popularity game in order to receive verification. No more little check marks for measly art or music channels hovering at 300k to 500k followers; the time for great unknowns like Will Smith, PewDiePie and Stephen Colbert has come!
Verification now requires YouTubers to have a hefty number of subscribers and prominence as a brand not just on other social networks but in the real, physical world. Examples of such prominence include starring in a major Hollywood blockbuster, having been on The Daily Show for at least two years, or paying people over Fiver to chant disgusting anti-Semitic slander for the amusement of one’s 100 million subscribers.
YouTube, a platform that was built on the slogan of Broadcast Yourself is now finally giving an equal opportunity to users’ whose channels have been driven into the background, like those of Coca-Cola or Warner Brothers, providing viewers with quality videos that have laid in obscurity. Beginning in October of 2019, a new, gorgeous grey highlight will adorn real channels like Vevo, leaving those hard working animators and bands in the dust after having monopolized YouTube for far too long! Neat!
But it is not all bad news for those independent artists and creators who have virtually destroyed the platform with their “hard work,” “relatable stories,” and “originality” that earned them their former verifications. If they just put in a little more of that hard work and get in the game with the other beautiful, popular people, maybe YouTube will reconsider and decide that they do matter after all.
YouTube has already decided to mail iron pokers to all of its previous Play Button holders with instructions on how to force them into their anuses alongside a card reading: “If you don’t like it, there’s always other video platforms you can go to. Hahaha!”
So never worry; if you are a dork in high school, you will still be a dork in the real world! The hierarchy never dies! Suck it, nerds!