The Rejected Shows of Shark Week

As a descendant of Vikings, I enjoy spending a lot of my time on the high seas. While many people fear the beasts of the deep, like kraken, Nessie and dolphins, I embrace them as equals with a special Pagan bond through the guidance of Odin. By this I mean I catch and eat them all, filling my great belly with their nutrients. But not whales. No, I spare them. When the fossil fuels run out, something has to make the oil after all.

But of all the watery demons in the world, I unconditionally love sharks. Next to the horseshoe crab, an animal that has roamed the Earth since the late Ordovician some 450 million years ago, they are the pinnacle of evolution. Just one giant mouth and a stomach, and a lot of cartilage holding that together. They rule. This is why I have watched Shark Week on the Discovery Channel for nearly my entire life (I’m only a year older than the marathon itself), and that is precisely what I’m doing right now. As with many week-long events such as this, there are many shows that do not make the cut. Here are some of the shows that did not make it to this year’s Shark Week:
 
Shark Locomotion
We’ve all seen sharks move but have rarely questioned how. For example, do the oceans move around them to their will, or do they somehow move themselves in the watery depths? In this two-hour special, scientists dive into discovery to join a group of great whites and reveal this aquatic secret. After the dissection of three sharks and the death of one human photographer, it is discovered that sharks move by swimming.
 
Tiger vs. Tiger Shark
A beast of the land and a beast of the sea, the hunting methods of the tiger and the tiger shark are compared. With an emphasis on the minor differences between life on land and that in the water the two predators are followed, studied and gently teased by a team of wildlife experts. The program concludes with a climactic battle between the two animals as a 600lb tiger is dumped into a tank with a hungry tiger shark as scientists watch to find out which animal is superior in the ultimate television showdown.
 
Sharkasaurus
In 1999, a fisherman discovered something strange within the stomach of a great white. It was the head of a velociraptor, complete with fresh tissue samples. Where did this shark find a live dinosaur? Scientists track great white sharks in hopes that they will be lead to the mysterious Dino Island. Included; the government cover-up to keep the partly digested head a secret, and shocking new footage from inside Area 51 where it is generally assumed that the original shark was taken.
 
The Magic Healing of Sharks
Using ESP, magic crystals and astral projection, one psychic from Sedona, AZ embarks on a quest to discover the lost art of sacred shark healing. Hear the account of an amputee who was able to regrow his leg after encountering sharks that could sense his pain! Be amazed as a bull shark assists a Florida woman giving birth to triplets in the middle of the Atlantic! Relive the account of a lost 19th century whaler who was safely guided to land by a thresher shark!

​Shark-o-mite!
Join The Travel Channel's Stinky Wade and Lockjaw Jim as they take you through a step-by-step introduction to dynamite fishing for sharks. The bayou is gonna burble when these two all-American patriots get down and dirty to tackle some bull sharks in freshwater! Included; the lost scene where Stinky Wade and Lockjaw Jim engage local wildlife authorities in a gunfight over a fishing licence.
 
Sharks of the Bible
How did Noah save the sharks? Was Jonah swallowed by a whale or by a shark? Do sharks find paradise if they refuse to accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and Saviour? The answers to these and more will be revealed alongside end time prophesies made by great whites, teaching The Word to sharks, and the fact of Creation 6000 years ago. Reverend Jones takes us on a worldwide journey from The Beginning to The Rapture with a shark’s eye view.
 
Business Sharks
Discover the tactics used by today’s CEOs to get ahead of the competition, to line your wallet with tax cuts promised to the working class, laundering money, and denying healthcare to the parasitic plebeians beneath you!
 
The Tiger Chef with Guy Fieri
Tiger sharks are notorious connoisseurs. They have been known to eat everything from fish to alarm clocks to clowns and show no sign of relaxing their palate. In this hour long special, Food Network’s Guy Fieri creates a multi-course meal for his harshest critic yet; a two ton tiger shark! Will Guy’s hard work be appreciated, or will he be fed to the beast in order to appease it? Tune in and find out!
 
Those were some of the shows that didn’t make it to this year’s Shark Week. With any luck, we can see them next year! Keep your fins crossed!